Ranking Milks


If you like to make fun of millennials for liking things, you might want to look away, because we’re about to talk about milk for a bit. You see, earlier this week I was contemplating milk and, more specifically, the amount of different milks we have to choose from in this day and age. Unfortunately, unless you have the time to try out all of the different options, you will never be able to achieve optimum latte potential. That’s where we come in. I personally have tried all of the different milk genres and varieties out there and am now going to rank them here for you. Prepare to never have to think about milk again.


First up, the worst thing ever, skim milk. Yikes. Yikes yikes yikes. You know what, I’m not even going to talk about it, it makes it too real.


Next worst, a tie of soy milk and camel milk. Soy milk is just skim milk without the guts to just go for it. And camel milk is more just a question of why.


Whole milk is default milk and not interesting enough to talk about further, but still better than the options that have been covered so far.


Now, this might be a hot take, but I feel like we can all agree that while hemp milk is good for the environment and stuff, thus making it better than whole milk, even if it is barely drinkable, which is really what matters. So really, who needs it.


Fourth from last, as we are getting to the end already, is rice milk. I can’t really explain my distrust for this dairy-free option, but it is a large and oppressive rage.


Implode the bridges, batten down the hatches, coconut milk is in town. Seriously, at first I was pretty meh on coconut milk, but as we move deeper and deeper into this hellscape, you realize that you have to look for the little glimpses of good, you know? And coconut milk is one of those for me.


Almond milk just slaps, up and down, tip to top. Put it in the rock and roll hall of fame.


Finally, and this is going to be a contentious one, oat milk. Although it is one of the newest options on the market, oat milk has been taking the world by storm. Seriously, I can’t go anywhere these days without getting oat milk spilled on me or even poured directly into my mouth. Some say in 100 years, oat milk will fall from the skies like rain, but we have banished those interlopers who spake it, so have no fear of radicalization. Just remember that oat milk came for us when no one else would. Remember that.


And if you disagree with anything I’ve said here today, please tell me.





This was written by a sound in the forest, a twig snap or trap latch heard through the swaying leaves. Don’t trust it.


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