“I did it,” he whispers gently into the microphone. “I finally did it.” Today, in a bizarre press conference that was supposed to be about Blue Origin and the company’s plans to colonize the ice planet from Interstellar, Jeff Bezos grabbed the microphone from the planned speaker and began to ramble about god knows what. He started off by talking about his workout routine, something he has had analyzed by thousands of experts and perfected to a tee. He then talked for nearly thirty minutes about how he had recently read the New Testament for the first time and that he cranked up his workouts specifically to get bigger than Jesus. You know, of Nazareth.

“I was reading about this guy and it says that he was like totally ripped from walking through the desert and doing all of those miracles and stuff. Annoyed by this, I asked a lot of different scholars to analyze the text and find out exactly how shredded this Jesus guy actually was. It took years, but we finally got his exact measurements. So bam, that was my new body goal.” At this point, Bezos was handed a protein smoothie that he immediately downed by opening his jaw to an enormous width.

“Like everything we do, this is all about the customer. And as CEO of a massive company and future leader of the human space fleet, my image matters. The world needs to see a heavy, swole as hell Bezos and that is backed up by Data, so don’t even bother fact checking me.” Throughout the course of this press conference, the Amazon Man had removed his jacket and his business shirt, leaving him in just an undershirt that he was practically breaking through.

“So I wanted to tell you all today that it finally happened. I am now bigger, larger, more yoked than your lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am your savior now, I am your messiah. Get ready for a time where Jeff’s word is law. Prepare.” He then dropped the mic and threw up some odd finger sign that I have never seen before.

As he made his exit, Bezos was asked by a reporter about why he was doing this. Unprompted, he responded “What? The divorce? No, it’s not about that. It’s not about that. It is definitely not about that.”

Eat your heart out, Washington Post. It is definitely about that.

This was written by the future version of yourself who is so proud of you for getting through it. Keep your head up, don’t you know everything is going to be okay?