Life is short. I think that is something we can all agree on. Whether you live 1 year or 100, there is never enough time for you to do everything that you likely will want to do with your existence here on Earth. That’s just something that we all have to deal with and comes to grips with, so you might as well just get used to it. On that subject, never is time’s fleeting nature more top-of-mind than around birthdays and, specifically, birthdays that are supposed to mean something. For local man and recent birthday haver Henry Gonzalez, there was no better way to celebrate and contemplate the passing of a quarter century than by throwing an alcohol themed party.

Now, if you think that you have never heard of an alcohol themed party, you might be surprised to find out that it is likely you have already been to one. Have you ever been to a get together where there is no discernible theme? Where there might be streamers or matching paper plates, but the thing being celebrated seems vague and sparkly? Where, no matter who you run into, you will accidentally spill your cranberry cocktail all over their dress? If so, then you have been to an alcohol themed party.

In the case of Henry Gonzalez, however, nothing went as predicted. The plan that Henry had come up with appealed to his chill, somewhat docile manner, by selecting two low-key bars where him and his friends could lay back. Ask any of Henry’s friends and they will tell you that he is often as serene as a countryside brook, which is why they weren’t surprised to hear these plans. Thus, it was not just Gonzalez who was surprised when they showed up to the party to find themselves at an ambush.

What Henry and his friends would come to understand after the fact was that ‘alcohol themed parties’ had recently been copyrighted by Alcoholics Anonymous as a way to bring in new members. So, when Henry and his friends rolled up to what they expected to be a night of board games and cheap drinks, you could say they were bummed to find themselves spending the next 120 minutes listening to some truly harrowing stories of love, loss, and Las Vegas.

Ultimately, the crew did end up at a bar down the street with some of their new friends, but none of them were truly the same. Each, in their own way, would leave this experience feeling different about themselves, about the world, and most importantly, about how much research is needed to plan a successful party.

Being the nice guy that he is, Henry threw another party the following weekend and told everyone he was sorry for the weird turn of events. Only a few of his friends even noticed the water bottle in his hand.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who did not write this story about himself, even if it might seem that way. It’s called satire, OK? Look it up.