(San Jose, CA) In our increasingly digital world, live entertainment is going the way of dinosaurs and pagers and will likely soon become lost to history. Blame it on the millennials, blame it on Apple, but it is our reality and that’s that. Honestly, believe whatever makes you feel better and gets you through the day. However, today we want to offer you a sliver of hope in this garbage fire of a world and, depending on your childhood, it comes from a place you would never likely suspect. You see, we have discovered the the best antidote to modern life can be found at one of the 608 worldwide locations of Chuck E. Cheese. As their tag line goes, At Chuck E. Cheese, No One Can Hear You Scream. 

For the sake of journalistic integrity, I feel that I should share that this is in fact a sponsored post. That being said, our entire team of editors stands behind the statements made below. With that said, let’s continue.

If you are initially wondering, “But why would I want to scream without someone hearing me?” you can honestly just pack up and leave right now. If you don’t have the overpowering urge to run into the nearest glade and belt out a long wale of absolute sorrow every day of your life, I just can’t relate to you and honestly don’t even know why you’re reading this. Now, for the rest of you who get it, here’s why Chuck E. Cheese is the place for you.

You see, despite the millions of games on the iPad and countless bizarre videos on YouTube for kids to obsess over, children love nothing more than eating lukewarm pizza while playing less fun video games with their friends. It’s less about the actual competition and more about human contact in a place literally designed for their small, surprisingly durable bodies. For you, the adult who is reading this, that amount of intelligible yelling is the perfect place for you to unleash your tortured soul to the universe without the slightest worry that someone might actually hear you.

As someone who has spent more than his fair share of time at these arcade and fun complexes, most of that time screaming, I can tell you from personal experience that it is truly something to behold. I never knew I could find such serenity in such chaos, such calm in the midst of a pre-teen storm.

So if you are like me and just need to let it out every once in awhile, I recommend you find the nearest Chuck E. Cheese to you and make a reservation today. You never know what you might be missing.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who knows him as Charles Entertainment Cheese, but we’re close like that. Follow him @NPEllwood on all platforms, even the void.