Area Man Loves Spending 95% of His Time Worrying About Something That Has a 0.3% Chance of Actually Happening


As a human living in the year of our Slime 2019, it is highly likely that whether you are aware of it or not, you have some kind of anxiety or stress about your day to day life. And let’s face it, there’s certainly a lot to be worried about, so it’s no surprise that more people than ever have mental health issues here and around the globe. However, today we are going to shine a little light on one close friend of ours in particular to highlight the absurd nature of anxiety. Meet Jacque Brock, a man from the local area who spends approximately 95% of his time worrying about something that has roughly a .03% chance of actually happening.


“I wish I could stop it,” Jacque told us as soon as we sat down together at the local coffee shop. “But then I go on a flight and think, ‘Well, obviously we’re all going to crash into the ocean,’ even though I know the chance of that happening is incredibly low. Even if it a one in a million chance, I still want better odds.”


“But then, there are things actually worth worrying about that I can’t seem to occupy my time in the same way as these inane dream scenarios where nothing remotely connected to my day-to-day life happens.” We hadn’t even had a chance to write anything down yet, but we quickly grabbed our pen and paper as Brock fell back exacerbated. It only took him a few seconds to launch back into it thought. “Could you imagine the productivity I could have if I put this brain power to better use? I’m not saying we could solve global warming, but I think we would at least move the needle forward a bit.”


“And yet,” he thinks aloud. “I end up wondering whether or not I’ll ever run into my second grader teacher Mr. Feldman and if he will be proud of me or not. That is literally never going to happen and yet I know how I would react in that situation now because it has haunted my dreams for years. Mr. Feldman doesn’t even live on Earth anymore, OK? He was one of the few guinea pigs for living on Mars and he’s have a blast up there. So it is quite literally impossible that we might run into each other at a coffee shop like this one.”


Jacque trailed off as his eyes moved past us and to the parking lot just behind. We quickly turned ourselves to see a man in a futuristic looking suit walk into the establishment. He got in line, oblivious to the customers staring at him, and did a quick scan. His eyes soon locked on Jacque and a smile appeared on his face. “Brock, is that you? How are you doing my man?”


Before he could answer, the man in the suit said. “Listen, I don’t have much time, but I wanted to tell you that I am proud of you. And more importantly, I need your help.”


With that, Jacque got up out of his seat and began to walk forward, following the spaceman as if charmed. The two left the shop and disappeared from our view as the barista called out, “Double shot of espresso with extra whip!” We grabbed our drink and tried to follow them, but they were already gone.


They were never seen again. Not even on Mars.






This was written on a big ol’ rock with a big fat stick. You aren’t reading it online, you are imagining the entire concept of websites and this is just written on a big ol’ rock.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s