(Corpus Christi, TX) On June 14th of this year, the locally founded company Whataburger was sold to a group of capital partners based in Chicago. Since this news broke, fans of the orange and white brand from all across the southern United States have been expressing their concern and disdain over this acquisition, with some standing in firm opposition of it. In fact, the situation has gotten so dire that we have discovered multiple incidents of die-hard fans attempting to use the dark arts and other forms of sorcery to prevent the sale from going through.
We followed up on a few of these stories to learn more about this recent craze and see why a fast food chain means so much to some people.
It all started here in Corpus Christi when teenager and professional Fortnite player Stanley Bilkson first heard about the sale of Whataburger. “I read about it online and just got so mad about it. Mainly because I didn’t understand most of the words in the article like ‘angel investor’ and ‘capital partner,’ but I think I got the spirit of it,” Stanley explained to us in his Twitch stream (it was the only way we could talk to him). “Ultimately I was just looking for an excuse to dabble in some light sorcery and this seemed like a worthy cause.”
Although Stanley was a fluke, he was still the first and must be credited with starting this trend, no matter what he might tweet at us.
Next, we made our way to the state’s capital to interview the following ritualist, a copy cat of Bilkson’s. Her name will be changed for this article, so let’s just call her a made up name like Wendy Davis or something. “I saw the posts online about Stanley’s pentagram and I just knew I could step it up a notch. I mean shit, for all of the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits I eat I should be a shareholder. Now someone from Chicago is going to tell me what I can or cannot shamefully eat in my car in the parking lot outside of work? I don’t think so.”
It should be mentioned that this was all spoken through a telephone while on the other side of the glass from us at the nearby prison. Apparently, “Wendy” was a little too good at dark magic and accidentally summoned an Ancient One, resulting in the deaths of almost 8 people. She is currently waiting for her trial where she will likely be convicted for 7 counts of accessory to murder and one felony shoplifting charge, unrelated to the summoning. She told us her lawyer is going to try and go for ‘demonic manslaughter’ for a reduced sentence, but it’s unlikely this will work.
Finally, we went out to good ol’ Abilene to interview one final ritualist who will gladly tell you that his name is Lance Devinson because he believes that his hex actually worked. “Listen, I’m a biblical studies major at the nearby college, I know what I’m doing with chalk and gunpowder, I practically breathe this stuff. Plus, just like a Jedi might learn about the Dark Side in order to master the Force, we are legally required by the university to dabble a tad into the darker side of faith.”
And boy did Devinson dabble. Not only is there now a permanent hellmouth underneath Abilene, but part of the collateral damage included three Whataburger locations. “Hey, that’s theology,” was all that Lance had to say.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens and whether or not these attempts will escalate should the deal go through. Keep an eye out and be safe, readers. Be safe.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who put his blood, sweat, and chalk into this piece, quite literally. Follow him @NPEllwood and the Brand @EritasDaily on everything.