“Yeah I don’t like even remember what happened,” explained Jerry Henson, local realtor and cappuccino aficionado. “Next thing I knew, my credit card statement comes in and I can’t explain a few hundred missing dollars. Then, the following day, the damn things show up at my door. What am I going to do?” Alas, poor Jerry, there is not much more that one can do when faced with this situation. Hello, my name is Nathan and today I am here to take you on a journey through one wild night in the life of today’s spotlight human, Jerry. According to multiple sources, while online shopping Henson blacked out and went on a spending spree no one saw coming.

“The last thing I remember before passing out is seeing the word “BACON” on a shirt. Next thing I knew, I was in the shower scrubbing my hair, having no clue how I got myself there,” proclaimed an exacerbated Jerry. “I didn’t even realize what I had done until the credit card statement and by then it was too late. The shirts came in the mail and I had to live with my decision, because I honest to god can’t even remember where I bought them so there is no way I can do a return.”

“I told him to be more careful,” explained Henson’s boyfriend Seth who had been cleaning a single dish with a hand towel in the background this entire time. “Every time he sees a word he likes or a meme he comprehends, he blows our food money on quirky shirts. I mean, I’ll admit that a large part of why I married him is his t-shirt collection, but we have to draw the line somewhere, right?”

We asked Jerry if he likes the shirts that he purchased and were surprised to find out that he hasn’t even tried them on yet. “Yeah, I’m not sure what it is, but I am hesitant to dive in, you know? I want some time to think things over. Really get in the right headspace to wear something so bold. You see, I’ve never worn anything like this, I’m nervous.”

At this point, Seth lead us away from a monologuing Jerry down into the basement where, behind a locked door, he showed us a room bursting at the seems with shirt after shirt, all with different bacon-themed designs. The one on top simply read “Bacon time” with a drawn picture of a humanoid bacon dancing. It was clear that he has problem.

We hope you can get the help you need, Jerry. And hey, lay off the bacon, that’s one greasy slope.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who literally forgot about this very similar article from last week. Whoops.