Little League Soccer Coach’s Main Job Reminding Players Which Direction to Run


“Now, as you can see from this arrow I have drawn on my piece of paper, this half, y’all are going to be running this way,” announced soccer coach and father of two, Brandon Carlisle. “Got it?” In his first season as head coach of the Fighting Unpleasantries, Brandon has had to tamper his expectations a bit. We caught up with him after his inspirational speech to the team in order to get his thoughts on the season so far. “I thought I would be able to do more coaching and training, you know? But these kids, God bless their hearts, really just need to be told which direction to go and which goal to shoot at.”


We asked him what he had expected. I mean after all, this is little league, not the Olympics. “I just didn’t realize that kids were so small, you know? Most of my life children have just been a concept, not a reality, and when I signed up for the position, I thought things were going to be more competitive. That’s all I am saying.”


Before we could ask a follow up question, Carlisle had already made his way to the field as the game was about to begin. We decided to interview a couple of the parents in attendance to find out what they thought of Coach Brandon’s performance thus far.


Susan Douglas, April’s Mom. “Oh he’s just the best. Our last coach, Coach Hamish, he was, let’s say, easily distracted, and could never remember to tell the kids which way to run. Coach Brandon does it with ease.”


Kilroy BensonJonah’s Dad. “I don’t know about this guy, he seems shifty. And not in the cool way that people sometimes say shifty to mean ‘neat-o’ or ‘dope.’ I just want Coach Hamish back. He helped me through a lot and I just miss his warm embrace.”


Nicholas Runcar, Klare’s Guardian. “I’m just glad he’s doing it and not me. I hate sports. What is the point of anything that doesn’t have feeling, that doesn’t have poetry? Ugh. Call me when Klare finally gains the comprehension necessary to play me in Chess. I’ll pay attention then. Also, the coach is fine.”


In a stunning upset, the Unpleasantries were defeated by the opposing team, the Kraft Macaroni’s. We had to run in order to catch up with the coach as he fled the scene in shame, hoping to get a final word. “They have a corporate sponsorship and we don’t, simple as that. If you’re a brand out there looking to sponsor our team, please let me know.”


You heard him, advertisers. Get in while the gettin’ is good.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who has been doing this for awhile now, something fun to reflect on. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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