New Study Finds That Some People Have an Innate Sense of How to Bag Groceries & Others Simply Do Not


Data, data, data, this is what truly makes the world go round. You might think it is money, but at this point, what is money but data? Data allows us to do so many things, analyze so many things, be some many things. In today’s exploration, we are taking a closer look at one set of data that has been collected over the last several decades. Collected by people you wouldn’t like suspect. You see, cashiers and stockers across the country have been taking notes about our habits and have now published their findings in a groundbreaking expose. Turns out, the study says, that some people have innate bagging skills while others simply do not.


Being who we are, we wanted to focus more on the people who don’t know how to bag than those who do. The following are some of our favorite excerpts from interviews with baggers who have seem some truly horrible, awful things. These are their stories.


Isaiah, 19. I never knew there was a bad way to pack a grocery bag until I started working at the Braum’s down the road. I once saw a man try to stack 4 milk cartons in one paper bag. It ripped before he even got the third one in, and then when I tried to help him out, he repeated the exact same process. Only this time he made it to bag four, it was still an utter failure. Is all of adult life this damn weird?


Brimsley, 32. Oh man, one time I saw this guy eat an entire popsicle just to make room for his bottle of wine. That’s gotta be top 5 at least.


Juliet, 24. Hmmm, let me think. You know, when you’ve been bagging as long as I have, you see a lot of weird stuff. Like there was this one guy who insisted on pouring his milk into bags before leaving the store. Or there was this other woman who would chew all of the gum in a pack while standing at the register and then refuse to pay for it because “it no longer existed.” Like I said, I’ve seen some shit.


Cathryn, 15. I might be 15, but I know something W-A-C-K when I see it. This man came in here the other day and not only did he have the most bizarre selection of items in his basket, but it looked like he had never packed a bag in his life. His various oat milks, coconut milks, and almond milks tossed about as he flung them to and fro along the counter. I could hardly stop myself from climbing over the counter and eating him alive.


January, 68. I don’t mean to brag, but I used to be pretty hot on the Tetris back in the day, so I know a thing or two about packing a bag. But let me tell you, some people I meet seem like they have no understanding of space or depth. It’s astounding. One man had an entire broom, an entire broom, and just kept trying to fit it in his bag. Obviously it didn’t fit, I mean he had a lot of milk in there as well. Honest, I might have to retire if I see anything like again.


Lot of milk stories. Didn’t see that coming.





This was written by an avid bagger, Nathan Ellwood. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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