Area Man Attempts to Scoop Up Burrito Remains With Chips, But It’s Just Not the Same


Humans, as a species, love routines. Whether it is getting up at the same time every morning, going to sleep at the same time every night, or coordinating astral projections with everyone in your neighborhood to confuse the local city government, there is something about the synchronization of processes that humans can’t get enough of. For area man and hot sauce developer Kip Stanley, the routine that keeps him going is his afternoon burrito every Tuesday at 3:30. Don’t ask him why this date or this time, but every Tuesday he has a standing appointment with a delicious burrito he buys from the shop next door. Only, this last week, Kip’s routine was thrown out of wack, sending him on a spiral no one saw coming. Here’s the story.


When Kip left the office at his customary 3:23 last Tuesday, everything seemed fine. The sun was out and it was hot, but he wasn’t too worried. He knew that the burrito sweats would be coming soon anyway, so why fight it? Kip had entered full burrito mode and nothing was going to stop him now. Nothing.


Seeing Kip enter the store, the employees began to put together his usual dish. One benefit of coming to the same place at the same time every week is that it typically speeds up the process. Just as the clock struck 3:30, Kip’s warm burrito was placed firmly in his hand. At 3:33, Kip was left with the remains of what he had done and a half-bag of chips he still needed to eat.


Now, if you have ever been in this situation and you were still hungry, you likely did what Kip ended up doing, which is use your tortilla chips to scoop up the burrito remains. And, like Kip, you realized that it wasn’t the same and that simply by attempting to recreate the mouth-feel you had just encountered, you ended up tainting the entire dining experience.


“What have I done?” Kip though to himself. But, before he could get too introspective, he began to lash out wildly at anyone else who might be responsible for his off-kilter burrito routine. “If only the people working here could properly fold a burrito. But I guess I do like it filled to the brim, so I wouldn’t want to substitute that. Surely someone is to blame other than me!”


And you know what? He’s right. It wasn’t his fault. It was Tzeentch the Chaos God, up to his old tricks. Unfortunately, Kip will never know that. He will go his entire life thinking he is the cause of his problems while old Tzeentch laughs it up. Such is the life of a burrito aficionado.





This was written, penned, sculpted, etc. by Nathan “The Ellwood” Smellwood. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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