Attention all astrology lovers and worshippers of her majesty, The Moon. We have an important update for you in the world of mobile app technology and the inevitability that is this story. You see, our dear beloved Co-Star has recently partnered with Facebook to provide even more personalized horoscopes. While this initially doesn’t seem too shocking, after reading the agreement more closely, we discovered that by using a newly developed technology, Co-Star will now be able to send you personalized notifications based on brain function and vital signs. Yes, you read that correctly. Co-Star will now be able to let you know when you’re too deep in your feelings.
After some clever snooping, we were able to dig up a few of the new notifications you will now be receiving daily on your device, depending on how your day goes. Fun, right? So, for instance, if you’ve been stalking your ex’s social media pages all day, you might receive a notification like this: Hey girl, listen, we’re all about being emotionally vulnerable and understand that you’ve been through some things, but you’re kind of just milking this now. This is your first Feelings warning, you have two remaining.
This is where things get interesting. Apparently, the Feelings warnings will work on a three-strike basis like in a baseball, a sport hardly anyone using the Co-Star app would know much about. If you trip the feelings gauge more than once in a undisclosed period, you will receive a message like this: Alright, here’s the deal. This is just life happening right now, OK? You are having a hard time. Guess what? It’s going to happen. But, dwelling on things is not going to help you. Figure out what you want to get out of this experience and leave behind the rest. This is your second Feelings warning, you have one remaining.
Now, at this point, you’re probably going to get up and do something, right? Or maybe just delete the app because honestly how annoying would that be. However, if you end up continuing down the roller coaster, hoping to one day shoot up again, you might receive a third and final notification. Please see a licensed therapist. Here is a number you can call – XXX-XXX-XXXX. This is your third Feelings warning, your account is now suspended.
While personally I don’t like the idea of corporations scanning my brain to mine data so they can sell things better, I’m sure there is someone out there who disagrees with me. So, what do you think? Is this a good update? Should Facebook be allowed to read our minds? You tell me and maybe, just maybe, I’ll change my mind.
This was penned with an open hand and an open heart. Please sew me back up.