When it comes to industries that have changed radically in the last 100 years, almost none can be matched by that of the world of healthcare. I mean, just 150 years ago, we were cutting off arms willy nilly and now we’re putting them back on. With robots! However, despite breaking edge technologies performing what only would have been described as miracles by our ancestors, with every push forward in society, there is always those who will stick with the old ways and insist they are the only way. One such person is local New Age physician and post-hippie communist Herbert Matherson, who no matter what ailment his patients bring him always recommends bathing thrice in a river.

 

We sat down for an interview with Herbert in order to learn more about his practices, his reputation, and most importantly, his results.

 

Scene: We enter Herbert Matherson’s office to find the 60-year-old physician sitting behind his desk playing with a Newton’s Cradle. Not Herbert Matherson M.D., mind you, just Ol’ Herb. In fact, as soon as we have made our way to the seats opposite him, he has already asked us to call him Ol’ Herb exclusively from here on out. 

 

“Yeah,” he said, reclining in his chair. “Everyone just calls me that. Gets rid of the formality of the whole ‘doctor’ thing.”

 

“And the whole ‘degree’ thing, right?” We jested. Surprisingly, Ol’ Herb doesn’t have much in the way of a sense of humor.

 

“Shall we start?”

 

“Yes of course. You have been quoted as saying, ‘Nothing in the world can’t be cured by bathing thrice in the right river.’ Care to expound?”

 

“I mean, it’s pretty self-explanatory,” the faux-doctor explained, leaning back in his chair just a little bit too far. “It’s all about nutri-whoa! Sorry, almost fell back in my chair there. It’s all about the nutrients. I have been doing studies on rivers all across the country for my entire life, and there is no place better for nutrient rich rivers than the USA. I have made millions now just telling me people to bathe thrice in their nearest river and I would do it all again.”

 

“OK, but other than these so-called ‘nutrients’ offers any value to your clients? I mean, what are the results? Does it actually work?”

 

“Ah, I can see what’s happening. Let me ask you a question in return: have you ever bathed in a river? Not thrice, but once? I can tell already that you haven’t. Why don’t you do that first and come back to me if you still want to talk. Something tells me you won’t have any further complaints.”

 

We ended up taking the weekend to finish this story by bathing thrice in the nearest river to our office. Not only do I fully understand the universe now more than ever, but I fully endorse Ol’ Herb’s methods. Go bathe thrice in a river, you’ll understand.

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan Ellwood who is excited to announce that “Bathe Thrice in a River” t-shirts are now available (not really but check back bc one day that will be true)