Hi there y’all, my name is Mary Sue, welcome to your Southern Western Airlines flight 875 to Dallas Forth Worth. In just a minute, I’ll be taking you through our safety guidelines, but first I wanted to regale you with a quick personal story before going through our standard procedures. You see, not so long ago, your own Mary Sue here was what used to be know as a synchronized swimmer, back when that was still acceptable. I have now moved onto this career that you see me performing now, but I still want to bring a little flair from the old days. So sit back, relax , and buckle your seatbelt, because the show is about to begin.

While onboard the aircraft, please turn off and stow all of your electronic devices in timely fashion. If I see anyone trying to snap a quick pic of my moves up here, I will personally drop your phone out the window at cruising altitude. If you don’t think your iPad needs to be in airplane mode, think again bozo. We will not have you embarrassing us as a collective unit with your oversized electronic device.

For those of you sitting in an exit row, be sure to use all of that extra leg space to really stretch out. I’m telling you this simply for my own sake, as exit rowers are typically the best candidates for new flings. Not only are you brave enough to sit there, but I get a better look at those legs. I’m a leg girl, what can I say. Probably from all those hours of watching swimming videos.

Now passengers, this is my favorite part of the demonstration, because I get to do some fun little hand motions. There are four exits on the side of the plane, eight at the back and front of the plane, and if you are a wizard on today’s flight, you can always just flush yourself down the toilet and out into the stratosphere.

During a water landing, I will be performing a matinee of this same performance, so fingers crossed on that one.

If the cabin becomes depressurized, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Make sure to help everyone else before yourself. Hmm, that doesn’t seem right, but I need to finish this speech up. Just grab them in a frenzy and hope you did it correctly, only the gods will stand between you and your fate now. Pray to them with all ye might.

Oops, looks like we’re about to take off. We’ll be bringing your some milk drinks later and cardboard to gnaw on for those of you with a sweet tooth. Don’t say Mary Sue never did anything for ya.

This was written by a person who has been on enough airplanes to know that only magic can do what they do. Follow him @NPEllwood.