Only Mattress Store Owner in Town Not Involved in Money Laundering Starting to Wonder What He’s Doing Wrong


(Cleveland, OH) Over the last few years, there has been one industry that everyone has been talking about. We bet you can guess what it is. Tech? Nope, but boy would it be great it we stopped talking about that so much. Oil? Nope, but end it already. Mattresses? Yep, you got it. Both online and in person, mattress companies have been reporting record numbers. Here in Cleveland alone, there have been twenty-seven mattress firms opened in the last year. Theories suggest that this might be more nefarious than opening a franchise mattress chain might seem. Unfortunately for Stan Grimsom, owner of Mattress Mart, he didn’t get in on the mattress firm money laundering scheme, and now he is wondering where he went wrong.


“Why did I have to open my store in Cleveland, the money laundering capital of America?” cried Grimsom on the phone with our investigative team. “I had no idea that people were doing stuff like this and getting away with it. Where did I go wrong that no one invited me to those meetings? I like money much as the next guy.”


For although you might think this a financial misery, you would be wrong as Stan has made perfectly clear to us. This was always about his ego and the fact that he didn’t make friends with the right people to do something illegal. “My friends and I just have LAN parties. I would drop those nerds in a heartbeat for some nefarious activity. A heartbeat.”


After doing some digging, we found that there was in fact a singular meeting in which the franchising decision was made. We spoke with a few Firm owners who had allegedly attended this meeting. They were more than happy to share information with us, seemingly only do dunk on Stan further. “Yeah, we would never invite that guy to anything like this. He’s the type of guy to organize a Fantasy Football game because he’s good with computers and finance, not something as fragile as a money laundering scheme.”


“Plus,” added another Firm owner who asked that their name be redacted. “It’s easier if someone is out there actually selling mattresses. This allows us to artificially lower our prices, forcing him to lose money and eventually fold. At least, that’s the plan. Don’t tell him that though.”


“Ultimately, as long as the customer is happy, I’m happy. So god do I hope they are happy, because I’m certainly not.” With that, Stan fell face first into a mattress and began to scream into the display pillow. The empty store filled with his muffled screams.


Which is where we left him, because there was a froyo place nearby and we were craving some freezer treats.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood from the smellwood hellwood. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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