(Long Beach, CA) Whoopsie! Who knew things could go so wrong? Hi there, welcome to today’s story. Our subject today is a local man with nothing but love to give to the world. 28-year-old Jacques Collins has been making his own way in the world for quite some time now. He works at a local bake shop, owns multiple colorful sweaters, and has recently become a prominent user of the world “adulting” in casual conversation. Lately, Jacque has ‘adulted’ his way to a better job, he’s “adulted” his way to having a girlfriend, and most importantly, he just “adulted” his way into a tax evasion charge and boy is he in trouble.
“Well, the thing is, I don’t understand what taxes are or how they work,” Collins explained to us from behind bulletproof cast. “I didn’t know it was a crime, I just thought this was what adults did. When people talked about “adulting,” I always just pictured calculators and spreadsheets, I had no idea that you could do them wrong.”
Turns out, Jaques did them very wrong. Like, real bad. According to TurboTax, he did such a poor job of compiling his financials, they ended up paying him for his use of the service, simply due to the fascinating oddities of his case. No one had seen anyone mess up quite so spectacularly before.
Now, it looks like Jaques might be facing federal charges, all for what he describes as a simple misunderstanding. “Listen, if you sit me down with someone who knows what they are doing, I’m sure I can figure this whole “taxes” thing out. I mat not know anything now, but trust me I will. Please, I just really don’t want to go to prison, especially for something so boring.
All I have tried to do is shadow what I have seen other adults do, but apparently that isn’t enough. Apparently, nothing is good enough for some people and I’m sick of it. I want to emulate the people in my life, it’s my choice. So what if it ends up with a major stain on my permanent record, I don’t want the government to win. But hey, if you think the government is cool and know how to do taxes, I’ll be willing to reconsider.
But isn’t that what “adulting” really boils down to, just emulating the people in our life who we think know what they are doing? The truth is that literally no one knows what they are doing and that’s perfectly fine. As long as we are all able to admit that and work together, we won’t have to worry about “adulting,” we can just worry about ourselves.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes taxes continue to help us build a better world. Hah, what a thought, right?