It’s that time of year again, folks. If you don’t like this announcement, don’t shoot us, we’re just the messenger. That’s right, according to the National Weather Service, we have officially entered zip-off season and not a moment too soon. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the industry lingo, let us put it into layman’s terms. You know when you wake up in the morning and check the weather to find it’s 50 degrees outside, so you decide to wear pants and a jacket? But then, you spend most of the day inside, so by the time you go to lunch, you realize that it’s getting warmer and you might have made a mistake? You shed your jacket, but by the time you are going outside for your 3:30 break, you can hardly stand the heat? Yeah, that’s zip-off season.
For those of you who haven’t experienced the absolute bliss that is zip-off pants or zip-off shorts, depending on your preferred nomenclature, they are truly an inspiration. The first time I zipped off my pants, instantly cooling my lower leg, I thought that I had died and gone to heaven. And now, with weather like this, myself along with the NWS want you to get some zip-off pants and join us.
In their report, the National Weather Service even went so far as to state that they think the federal government should make a national holiday for the first day of zip-off season. This will likely not pass, as zip-off season is incredibly unpredictable and finding an agreed upon date for it between the many members of the NWS council would be nigh impossible. That said, we think that they should still discuss it to give the rest of us some hope.
My dad used to love zip-off season, he was the one who first got me interested in it. I remember when I was 4 years old and I saw him zip-off his pants for the first time. He had just walked out to mow the lawn when he realized that he didn’t need the extra pant length that he thought he did. He ripped them off, threw them into a bush, and mowed that lawn better than anyone I’ve ever seen before or since.
So, welcome to zip-off season my friends. Let’s get weird.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes that the bouncers in heaven are chill. Follow him @NPEllwood.