HOT TAKE ALERT. I am here to state my claim, on the record, once and for all. I truly and passionately believe, after a childhood obsessed with these characters and numerous rewatches, that every single character in Lord of the Rings is gay or queer in some sense. Whether or not this was Jolkien Rolkien Rolkien Tolkien’s vision or Peter Jackson’s influence is up for debate, but the truth remains that regardless of intent, the characters we have presented to us simply can’t be straight. Still don’t believe me? Well, allow me to state my case in meticulous detail.
Let’s go through the list one by one so you can see what I mean.
Frodo. First and foremost, Frodo is a drama queen. I mean, the way he flaunts this all powerful ring and yet doesn’t let anyone else touch it? That’s gay, baby.
Sam. Although you might be fooled by his having 13 children with Rosie, Sam can’t deny that his love for Frodo was more than just friendship. They spent a long ass time together and 100% would have lived together afterwards if Gandalf hadn’t convinced Frodo to go live overseas.
Pippin. Just the loveliest guy and in love with his best friend. He tells everyone about it.
Merry. Just the gayest little lad and in love with his best friend. He doesn’t tell anyone about it.
Gimli. Despite his rant about how to tell the different between dwarf men and dwarf women, Gimli doesn’t care one way or the other. Representing team Bi Til You Die, Gimli will be there for you at Pride and the next day when you realize he doesn’t really love you.
Legolas. The one who doesn’t really love you. Too much of a flirt, Legolas can’t be tied down.
Boromir. A man of honor, a man of loyalty, Boromir is by far one of the most openly gay characters in both the books and movies. The way he causes a ruckus wherever he goes and unintentionally creates memes with his eloquent speeches. Boromir was born to be gay and his father should have loved him better.
Aragorn. This man Aragorn has been through a lot, leaving both lovers and villains in his wake. Beware the man Aragorn, for he will pledge his love to you and then leave you to suffer time’s eternal woe. Beware I tell you, beware.
Gandalf. That shit with the moth? Gay.
And that’s just the fellowship! Don’t even get me started on these incredibly wonderful, non-straight side characters.
Smeagol. This one is about as canon as you can get. Gollum is not included in this list though, he’s straight as an arrow, obviously.
Faramir. Sure, he might have ended up with Eowyn, but that’s the biggest beard I’ve ever seen. You know Faramir is big in the Minas Tirith gay scene. You just know it.
Arwen. She’s lived a long life, there’s no way she is straight.
Eowyn. Eowyn is absolutely one of those girls who pines after men like Aragorn for years and years and then finally meets a woman with all the same traits and more, even better ones to love. So, let’s just say I see a lovely marriage due any day now for Eowyn and the blacksmith she eventually will end up with.
Éomer. Holding a grudge is a textbook behavior of someone who doesn’t go very high on the Kinsey scale and Éomer is no different. Why else would he be so upset about Théodred?
Elrond. The rage, the drama, the outfits. You know this man is gay. Also, fun fact, Hugo Weaving has never played a straight character. Yes, even Megatron.
And finally, the man who start it all – Isildur. The biggest drama queen of them all. Gay as the day is long.
While I am sure that I am not the first person to bring this up, every time I watch the trilogy I can’t help but realize how gay everyone truly is.
Either that or Tolkien just didn’t know how to write women. But that couldn’t be it, right?