Salesperson Putting Everything Into Sports Terms Not as Helpful as He Thinks He is


Hello, my name is Johnny Collingsworth and I’m the best here salesperson in the entire county, nay, state. I’ve made my living as a seller for quite some time now and I like to think that I know when someone is genuinely vibing with me and when someone wants me to leave and never come back. Either way, I have a solution for every issue, a rebuttal for every negative word. Unfortunately, over the years I have noticed that my language has become riddled with sports analogies and metaphors that I now realize don’t work for every situation. Take, for example, a meeting I had last week.


Allow me to set the scene. We were set to meet at my usual spot downtown around 4:30pm. It’s my favorite time to see the city, with people leaving their jobs, beaming with glee at the idea of living their lives on their own terms. All while I make an obscene amount of money, allowing me to buy $5,000 suits like the one I am currently wearing. Those suckers. Speaking of, it was at this moment that my client walked in the door, one Marcus Hernandez.


I knew right away that the vibes were off when I went in for a handshake and Marcus went in for a hug. This was only our second time meeting, both on a professional basis, what was this bizarre breach of social norms?


After our slightly awkward exchange, we sat down at a table near the window so I could observe the commuters while we talked. I told Marcus that this deal was a home run, that we were batting 1.000 with our clients, that we had essentially clinched the division with this one. He gave me an odd look, so I tried to rephrase. I told him it was a slam dunk, a bullseye, a swish, but no sign of recognition appeared on his face. Faced with such a bizarre scenario, I felt that I had no choice but to keep going.


On and on I went, using every metaphor and analogy I could think of with this guy, but nothing. Not a single coherent glance in my direction. Marcus just patiently waited until I stopped blubbering, told me he didn’t think it was a good match, and then walked out the door and left to rejoin the other commuters. I couldn’t believe it. All of that sort of talk had worked so well for me before.


So, this is me coming to you for help. How do I unlearn all of this bizarre language? What if we move into a future without sports as a priority, how will I be able to communicate? Do I need to learn some other set of lingo words? I’ll do it. As long as it helps me make a sale, I’ll do it.


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