Hello, my name is Johnny Collingsworth and I’m the best here salesperson in the entire county, nay, state. I’ve made my living as a seller for quite some time now and I like to think that I know when someone is genuinely vibing with me and when someone wants me to leave and never come back. Either way, I have a solution for every issue, a rebuttal for every negative word. Unfortunately, over the years I have noticed that my language has become riddled with sports analogies and metaphors that I now realize don’t work for every situation. Take, for example, a meeting I had last week.

Allow me to set the scene. We were set to meet at my usual spot downtown around 4:30pm. It’s my favorite time to see the city, with people leaving their jobs, beaming with glee at the idea of living their lives on their own terms. All while I make an obscene amount of money, allowing me to buy $5,000 suits like the one I am currently wearing. Those suckers. Speaking of, it was at this moment that my client walked in the door, one Marcus Hernandez.

I knew right away that the vibes were off when I went in for a handshake and Marcus went in for a hug. This was only our second time meeting, both on a professional basis, what was this bizarre breach of social norms?

After our slightly awkward exchange, we sat down at a table near the window so I could observe the commuters while we talked. I told Marcus that this deal was a home run, that we were batting 1.000 with our clients, that we had essentially clinched the division with this one. He gave me an odd look, so I tried to rephrase. I told him it was a slam dunk, a bullseye, a swish, but no sign of recognition appeared on his face. Faced with such a bizarre scenario, I felt that I had no choice but to keep going.

On and on I went, using every metaphor and analogy I could think of with this guy, but nothing. Not a single coherent glance in my direction. Marcus just patiently waited until I stopped blubbering, told me he didn’t think it was a good match, and then walked out the door and left to rejoin the other commuters. I couldn’t believe it. All of that sort of talk had worked so well for me before.

So, this is me coming to you for help. How do I unlearn all of this bizarre language? What if we move into a future without sports as a priority, how will I be able to communicate? Do I need to learn some other set of lingo words? I’ll do it. As long as it helps me make a sale, I’ll do it.