Breaking news: we have just receive a new report, fresh off of the News Machine downtown. According to this new study, there is a new trend sweeping the nation across all demographics and lifestyles. Apparently, ‘doing things’ is the new thing and ‘not doing things’ is out. As someone who can never keep up on the latest trends, let me attempt to break this down for you. For years, ‘not doing things’ has been critical in sustaining our economy and our culture. How do you explain something like Netflix, a key non-activity, if this weren’t the case? Now, the majority opinion has shifted and ‘doing things’ is all the rage. Let’s dive in.

It all started when some doofus 5-10,000 years ago decided they wanted to start doing yoga and it wasn’t until 2019 that we realized the consequences of their actions. Now, what prompted them to do this is beyond me, but clearly they were going through something. Thanks to them, I now have to listen to forty annoying white people every Sunday as they perform yoga together outside my apartment. I’m on the third floor and still I have to wake up every weekend to someone saying ‘breathe, breathe,’ through a hands-free microphone hooked up to a Marshall amp.

As someone who loves not doing things, I’m annoyed at this new doing things craze. What ever happened to taking a damn nap? Now I can’t, I have to go to cryotherapy and let them suck out my bones with a tube. I have a loose idea of what cryotherapy involves. I’d much rather just curl up in my bed at home than ever sit in a sensory deprivation chamber, that’s all I am saying.

And now, brands like Outdoor Voices are cashing in on people actually breaking a sweat for once in their lives. Atheleisure is now a word that people say to me. Those ‘doing things’ hats in the picture above? Those cost $200 a pop. Think I’m kidding? You’re right, but the point is made and now we move on.

Listen, I don’t want for your impression of me to be tainted by this and think that I’m some negative person, but have we consider the consequences of everyone doing things? It’s unprecedented. This many people have never been actively doing things at the same time and something tells me we won’t understand how bad this is until much, much later.

Beware the doing of things, my friends. Beware.