For too long we have been slaves to one man’s whim, but no longer. Yes, I am talking about the Man in Red, the Ho Ho Ho Homie, and the Bane of my Existence. Ever since I first found out about the dichotomy between naught and nice, I have been absolutely furious with this so-called “system.” How does one man get to decide the fate of so many? And more importantly, why have we allowed him to do so for so long? Now that the Holidays are rolling around, we are more susceptible to him than ever. I’m sick of it. This man is ruining our country and I’m here to tell him “No.”

I’m talking about Santa, just so we’re clear. I really hate that arctic lolly-gagger. Like I said, this all began back when I was a young child first learning about this dichotomy. My mothers told me that there was a man who lived at the north pole, a laughable concept right away. They told me that he decided whether boys and girls were good or bad, naughty or nice. I told them that sounds like authoritarianism and they both laughed.

I’m not kidding, I’m deadly deadly serious.

And here is what I keep coming back to, right? At what point does this end? Does the big man up north keep track of us into adulthood, or is it just children? Which is worse? I just can’t go my entire life thinking that there is someone out there who is keeping track of what I am doing and balancing that with what I have done wrong. I just can’t fathom it.

For those who are naughty, for those who are nice, we all deserve more than a lump of clay. We deserve love and safety and the space to express ourselves. Why do we allow someone like Santa to dictate our lives when he literally lives in an inhabitable place with nothing but elves for company? What does he know about moral ambiguity?

So this is my message, S-man, so listen big. Our country cannot stand any more division than it already has and pitting naughty vs. nice is only going to push us further backward and to the left. We must accept that we are all naughty in our own ways and just move forward with that information. Otherwise, and I say this with a straight face, we are truly lost.