(The Highway, USA) Hello and welcome to Friday’s report, please sit down. We’ve been meaning to talk about this with you for awhile, so we hope you understand our prompt nature in getting to the point, but we feel this has gone on long enough. Close your eyes for a second while we paint you a picture in your mind. You’re driving down the highway, a typical 2-lane ordeal in middle America. Somewhere you’ve never driven, but it feels like every other highway you’ve ever been on. You have two choices before you of which lane to drive in, which do you choose, right or left? If you chose left, you should know why we’re here.

If you don’t get anything out of this article other than one, know that you shouldn’t be there. You don’t deserve the left lane with the way you drive. You need to stay in the right lane where you belong.

People like me? We deserve the left lane because we take advantage of it. We know what we are doing in the left lane. You? Stick to the frontage road pal if you plan to drive like that. Even the right lane can be advantageous if you know what you’re getting yourself into. You, you don’t need to be in the left lane. Ever.

Listen, we’ve given this a shot and it’s clearly not working. We’ve tried you out in the left lane, but it is extraordinarily obvious that it’s beyond your reach. Driving just isn’t for everyone.

You may be wondering, how do I know all of this? Well, I’ve been trailing you for the last few days and tracking your road behavior through this cool app I found. And not only do I have objective evidence that you drive like an ass, but I nearly rammed you multiple times with your sluggish techniques. I need you to understand how horrid you are at this.

I honestly think it’s a safety issue at this point. I mean, some states are already have laws against slow drivers, but they might need to make up a new category for you.

OK, open your eyes. The exercise is over. Do you feel shame at your decisions yet? No? Alright, close your eyes again. We’re going to have to turn things up a notch.