At the end of the year, nay, the end of the decade, is there anywhere you would rather be than with a bunch of strangers celebrating the couple you all know from different aspects of their life? Personally, I can’t think of a better way to spend New Years Eve, especially if there is an open bar. Unfortunately, what the attendees of the Mueller/Garcia wedding don’t know is that the bride and groom are not interested in you having a good time. In fact, they have specifically orchestrated this event as a sort of Battle Royale, where the winner gets the bouquet. Still unsure what I’m talking about? Let me explain.

 

Before I say more, I’d like to issue a soft spoiler alert warning for this article. I say soft because the thing we are spoiling is A. Years old and B. Not really worth revisiting. To sum up, if you don’t want to know what happens at the ‘Red Wedding’ in Game of Thrones, don’t keep reading.

 

Let’s go back a few weeks to a crucial part of the wedding planning process: the seating chart. Having been bogged down for months with all the details of their special day, May and Henry were at their wit’s end by the time they start choosing who would sit with who. As a lark, Henry threw out the idea of ‘letting people choose where they sit,’ to which May retorted, ‘What is this, a Southwest flight?’

 

After some more deliberation, they decided to make things interesting. “What if we just went for it, you know what I mean?” an exacerbated May asked with her hands full of her own hair. “Like, rather than try to make everyone get along, we just made sure they won’t. It’s our wedding, why not have fun with it?”

 

“You realize none of these people would ever talk to us again, right?” Henry asked, before realizing just how great that sounded.

 

“Exactly,” May said, reaching across the table to grab the placement cards. “For instance, we could put Uncle Macy next to Gillian. There’s no way either of them get through appetizers without getting political.”

 

“And then we could make all of my high school friends sit with your high school friends, but every other seat so no one is together. They think we’ve made a mistake, but the only mistake was inviting them in the first place.”

 

“I hope it gets ugly.”

 

“I hope it gets personal and downright mean.”

 

“Are we doing this?”

 

“Oh, we’re doing this.”

 

That was three weeks ago. The wedding is today. And still, the guests have no idea.

 

Whether or not this turns out to be a good idea still remains to be seen, but it’s safe to say that Henry and May have never been more in love.