Don’t Even Bother Talking to Me Unless You Look Like This


Ever since I first moved to New York, I’ve had the hardest time making friends. No matter what I try to do, every friendship falls apart when I realize how incompatible our vibes are and that we truly don’t value the same things in life. For this reason, I have spent the last few weeks coming up with a few basic parameters that I will now begin to check for when making new friends. I simply can’t waste my time with people who do not share the same values and, more importantly, love for eccentric aesthetics as I. Which is why, from now on, unless you look like the figure covered in moss I recently found on the subway, don’t even bother talking to me.


In case you are interested in becoming my friend or just curious about the life of someone neither rich nor famous, here are the vibe checks I give to every person I want to be friends with.


Does this person love long, unsolvable riddles? I sure as hell hope not, that sounds way too nerdy. Personally, I don’t get riddles. Everything should be on the surface. Everyone should be free. If you have a problem with the way I live my life and slime my sweaters, then that’s on YOU bro.


Am I going to share an intense emotional connection with this person at a rodeo? One fun fact about me is that I have met every single significant person in my life while either at or attending a rodeo. I met my husband there buying cotton candy, I met my first girlfriend buying a pretzel, and my mother actually gave birth to me while in line for a cheese streak. So yeah, unless you’re down for some deep emotional bonding over the din rumblings of men dressed as clowns fighting thousand pound animals. Or whatever we are supposed to believe happens at rodeos.


How many podcasts does this person listen to on a regular basis? This one is tricky, because unlike the others where there are clearly defined people in these categories, podcasts are just a complete crapshoot. First of all, a good friend will listen to some podcasts, but not too many to be concerning. They must have a good balance of fiction and nonfiction, light and dark, music podcasts, etc. Otherwise, you’re essentially just friends with Joe Rogan. My secret recipe is 4-7 podcasts, but it’s different for everybody.


Bog people, thoughts? They should have zero thoughts about bog people because this is a trick question. As we all know, bog people has been an illegal phrase since the late 80s. You can get a $500 fine just for thinking about them. A good friend will not only know not to fall into this obvious trap, but they will secretly have lots of ideas about bog people that they will share with together at your first sleepover.


Must have an interest in all things ethereal, unsure, and unknown. But don’t we all?


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