Hear me out. That’s all I am asking, just listen to what I have to say before you cast your judgements upon me. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Keith Stenson. I am 31 years old. I have lived most of my life in Columbus, Ohio. And, I believe with your help, I might be able to become the wheel in Wheel of Fortune. For as long as I can remember, that multi-colored wheel has beckoned to me. I knew it was my true calling the first time I snuck on set and just caught a whiff of it. So please, sit down and let me tell you how we are going to make my dreams come true.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been on the set of Wheel of Fortune multiple times already, which gives us a distinct advantage against others who might want to claim this prize for themselves. It also means that I know exactly how the many systems and processes of the game. These are of course all going to be relevant when I go in for my interview.

Oh right, let me back up. So you see, they invite all of the finalists to come in for interviews to see who knows the most about Wheel, who has the best acting chops in order to most accurately portray Wheel, and who has the potential to bring the star power necessary to the legendary role of Wheel. All very basic practices in the game show industry.

What finalists? Oh right, let me back up even more. There were tryouts, sort of like early stage American Idol, held across the country in order to find the new wheel after the previous wheel, Ed Flesh, had passed away. I showed my signature spin to the judges, topped off with some excellent sound effects from yours truly. I met some of my best friends at these tryouts. We all just felt lucky to be part of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Sorry, one final back up. The try-outs began after the first wheel died in a freak accident. With both Pat and Vanna wanting the show to go on, they rushed to find someone who could fill in on such short notice. They turned to Ed Flesh, the originally designer of the character of Wheel, to save them.

Voting opens in just a few weeks. I hope I can count on you to help me show the world how good of a wheel I can be.