Opinion: The Rich Aren’t Going to Eat Themselves


Unless? Well, we can discuss that later. Hello, I am a citizen of the United States and I am here to tell you a story. A story about the wealthiest nation in the world that worships money more than any god. One about a country where the wealthy are so obscenely rich that all they care about is hoarding their money, as if they were dragons living in some lonely mountain. Just look at any picture of Jeff Bezos and you know that there isn’t a shot in hell that he is going to ever relinquish a parking spot, much less his massive fortune. So, it has come to my conclusion that if the rich aren’t going to eat themselves, we should force them to eat each other.


How will we do this? Why would they go for it? Who benefits from this? When can we get started? These and more questions will be answered, so don’t you worry, but the fact that you are asking shows me that you are interested.


How will we do this? Easy. Rich people love competition more than anything, right? I mean, why be rich except to look down on others and point at them, saying “Look at them, I am better.” So what if we simply convinced them that the ultimate competition is being the first person to disrupt cannibalism? Why not use their own tricks against them right? Once we get that ball rolling, people like Musk and Bezos will be dying to get their Hannibal on.


Why would they go for it? Like I said, this is going to need to be a team effort. Rich people love succumbing to peer pressure and giving in to their worst impulses. How else could you explain the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon? If we can get them to play Pictionary on national television, cannibalism isn’t that far off. Plus, imagine the ad sales! Which, of course, we will distribute evenly to the masses.


Who benefits from this? Everyone. What part of this aren’t you getting?


When can we get started? There’s the spirit! I mean, pretty much as soon as possible would be ideal. If we keep letting these richos destroy our planet, there won’t be time left to watch them fight each other for the slowly crumbling mountain. Soon, we will find ourselves on an even plateau and once again find peace amongst the nations.


But first, breakfast.


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