For the last 10 years, the Great British Baking Show has been entertaining countless people across the globe. Whether it is due to the light-hearted nature of the show, the charismatic hosts, or the cunning competitors, it’s clear that something is working. While hosts and judges have come and gone, one constant has remained throughout the entire show and will likely stay with it until the end. We are of course referring to everyone’s favorite fuddy duddy, Paul Hollywood. However, we are not here today to talk about Paul’s culinary knowledge or his signature handshakes. No, today we are here to talk something far more dangerous and sinister.
We are, of course, referring to the growing evil in Paul Hollywood that has slowly but surely been peaking through over the years and, we fear, will soon come out in full force.
It all began a few seasons ago when the finalist lineup was absolutely packed with legends. From Rahul to Ruby to Kim-Joy, everyone was bringing their A-game and Paul, per usual, was being a real stink about the most minor mistakes. In one sequence, you can see that Paul is just seething with anger as Prue goes on and on about the scrummy biscuits they had been judging. You can tell that he wanted to speak up, but whether due to editing or his own ability to hold his tongue, he didn’t. Even still, you could see the hate boiling up within him.
Cut to the next season. While there were still some stand-outs, you could tell that Paul’s standards had only gotten higher since the last season. Couple this with the fact that they had reintroduced the bakers dozen to the mix and you will understand why the contestants were more fearful than ever before. And for good reason. In the fourth episode of the season, Paul eliminated a chavvy teen with his signature finishing move of baking the loser into a pie. It was only as the other contestants went back for seconds that they started to feel odd about what they had done.
Now, as a new season approaches, it is clear that this evil growing within Hollywood is only going to continue, rearing it’s seven heads with more ferocity than anyone could have possibly anticipated. It has gotten so bad that the producers of the show have considered trying to bring in a priest or exorcist to have on stand-by in case Paul goes off the deep end.
Personally, we believe that this will make for some pretty great television. Sure, people might get banished to the shadow world by such a powerful warlock as Hollywood, but at least they will have gone out with flour beneath their fingernails and a smile on their face. Something I’m sure we all wish for in our final moments.
Unfortunately, we may never see this side of him, as there have been safety measures put in place to ensure a safe contest for everyone. “We’ve installed bulletproof glass between the contestants and judges,” a producer explained to us. “It may not be enough, but we have to do something about this. We can’t have more deaths on the show, 5 is already too many.”
We asked Paul what he thought and this is all he had to say.
“S̷̢̱̘̲͕͔̒̓̓̀̉͘͜͝ḩ̵̧̣̳̪̰̰͔̙̐͆̀̉̿̿͊͘̚͝͝ͅo̶̢͓̙̞͖̗͔̱̐̂̄̓̂̃͒̂̾͘̕u̵͕̝̰͎̗͗̈́ͅl̷͔͕̜̱̖̻̣̉̒͗̆͝ͅd̴͇͔̐͑͑͜ ̷̤̬̤̮̤͕̘̤̱͕̄͘͝ͅb̸̪̙͇̲͖̯͈͈̗̌͊̄͒̊̆͝ȩ̸̦̟͉̤̲̓͂̑́͜ ̶̪̪͎̜̒͐̒̽̉̑̃͒̒͗͝a̸̢̡̰̙͈̬̜̯̩̠̘͕̔̚͜ ̴̨̺͈͓͙̝͈̹̘̩̣̎̒̇͆͌̄g̷̛̫̻͇͈͌̄͌̍̿͗͗̊͝͝r̷͇̩̩̤͎̣̹̱̔̌̚ȅ̴̯̝̞̗̙̦̙̭̫̣̅͗̍́͋̈́͜͜͝ä̶̢̛͔̘̗̯̩͕̥̟̘͎͎́̅͒́̈̆̄̐̈́͆͘͘͝ͅt̶̖͙̤̏͑̂̆́̃́͐͗̈́ ̵̛̣̞͒̀̽͒̒͂́̀̈́̕͝s̵͚͓̄̿̈́̀͒͋̐̄̂͝͝e̴̙̊̍̈́̐͘ą̷͉̯̗͗̏̈́̆̑̓͛͌̿̓͗̚͘͠s̵͍͓͉͙̏̇̉̓͒͗̌̀͜ǫ̸̢̢̻̘̺͖̰̠̝̞͙͔̹͚͛̄̀̎ń̸͔̘͊͐̔̈́̾̿̏̑̓̀͝.̷͎͉̯͖͍͇̲͇̔͂̽̔͛͂͠ ̶̦͎̮̱̖̤͖̺͙͔̐̾̇̿̈́̍̊̄͐͝͝͝͝ͅI̴̡̗̹̹̦̫̙͋̒̓̿̆͊͌̍͒͑͝͠ ̸̡̧̛̰̼̟̻͎̳͔̥̠͇̯͚̋ç̸̤͓̰̹͕͖͉̖̟̀̈́̔̑͊͑͂́͋̇̽̒̕͘a̴̧͎̥̘̯͗̃́͗̍͊̽̓̀́̑͆͘̚͝n̷̡̞͍͎̮̥͍̼̞̯͎̫̐̓̿̾́́͐̆̂̎̐̒͗͝͝’̶̩̜̲̺͉͈͚͕̝͑̃̈̓̀͐̓͆̽̎̀̽̌̈́̚ͅt̵̨͔̯͓̥͔̊̑̍ ̶͙̠̙̩̬̙̞͕͍̈̅̓̀̆͊̏͘͜͝͝w̷̢̡̛̲̟̳͔̼̪͓̗̻͂̒̐͒̍̌͘ͅͅä̷͓̘̹́̓͐̂̏͑̓̀̈́̕͘͠͝i̸͉̊̋͋̓̔͂͐̀̌̀͗͘͝͝͠ṯ̴̛̙̰͆́̉̉͐͛͊́̈̊̕͠͝ ̵̛̻̱̯̼̟̄̐ẗ̷̡̡͈̖̟̘̹̙͎̰̖̯͜ǫ̸̡̖̙̞̮͕̱̫͇͙̺̓͛͝͝ ̴̢̧̳͇͍̱̲̈̓̍̂̈́͑̌́̑̽͝͠s̴̘͙͖̲̦̖̬̝̙͈̑̑̔̏͗͋̆́͂̀͒͑̈̏̊ẻ̶̢̩̻̞͓ę̸̯̦̈̐͌̄ ̴̢͔̰̳̏w̵̨̮̗͇͇̤̤̄̅͊̎͂͌ḫ̶̙̥̜̜̺̓̈̀̈̊̇̔̿̉̀̋̈́̚ǫ̷̧͖͙͍͚̦͓̪̹́̊̒̈́̏̈͒̓͆ ̵̢̛̫͕̥̩͔̙͎̩͔͍̘̤͒̅̓͜͠w̴͙̥̺͍̰̅̃̔͑͆̅̐̅͒͝i̴̛̳̳̘͈̯̩͉̪̟̬̗̥̖͗̈́̎̈̋͐͝ņ̴̪̻̬̳̜̈́͆̃͐͗͆͐̒̿̕͘ͅs̵̱̠̗̦̹̯̭̟̰̣̞͙̓͝.̵̢͍̩̫̳͚̊̽̒̏̅͜͝ ̸͇̞͖͈̻͙̘̀͋͜͜͝ͅS̸͕͍̖̣̺̻̙̭̘͖̻̺̤̲̘̓̌͌̇̀́̂͗̓̈͋̋͝͠͝p̴͓̀̊͋̆͝o̵̢̫̟̓̐͝͝i̸̱̿̿́́͒͐̑̀͂͗̔̓͝͝l̵̢̖̦͚̪͓̗̒͊͆̊͋͒̀͌͜ͅe̴̮̠͐͊̏̏͛̕r̵̡̡̙̝̲̦͖͈͖̙̤̩̲̔͌̑͑͜͝ ̶̳͆͋́́͑̆̄͐̃̕͝ä̶̧̧̡̡̛̰̲̫̝̳͎̻̗̳́̓̆̌̓͑̈́̾l̵͓͇̟̣͉̙̹͈̭͎̑̏̓̀̽́͘̚ͅḛ̴̡̫͇͓̭̲̱͚̟̰̔̿̆̀̽̊́̂r̴̡̮̗̰̦̖̰̃̒̎͋̈́́͒̑̆̚͘͝͠ͅt̷̢̜̦͎͈̩͖͈͇̩͗͒̈́͌̓̍͌̾̋̊̈͆͘͝:̴̡̧͉͈͍̤̺͖̙̏̇̓̌̓̌͊͂̒̔͒́͊͝ ̵̮̯̟͉͚̞̇̐͛̓̈̌͌̀̑̊̂̾͘͠ĩ̷̢͉͍̯̰̭͕̩̦̣͈̬̼͓̎̈́͑͊͋̊̔͝͝t̵̘͝’̴̨̬̺̞̱͕͈̩̻͍͖̦͗̉͋͆͌̂̇̅͛̌̒͒s̴͙̬̘̺̀̏̊͗͛̔͗ ̸̡̟̰͚̳͇̤͍͈̖̰͔̚ģ̷̛̘̞͙̲̙͉̭̳̞͓͆̓͐̀̽̈́͜ͅo̶̡̢͕͋̄̎͛͛̆͑͊̔͂̈́i̸͖̥̬͇̟͕̼̪̱̅͐́́̋̓͜͝n̴͚̬̟̆̄̽̒̄̓͛͌̄̓͝͝͠ǵ̶̻̫̫̣̭̜͍̼̙̺͔̖̒̂̈́̆́̈́̉̍̓̕̕͠͝ ̴̡̛͚̟̯̰́̈͑̆͒͑̈́̏̆̍̓t̵̨͚̲͍̳̀͛͠͝ǫ̷̧̣̜̭̞̞̩̻̰̜̥̯͓͋̏̑͗̓̄͐́̃̓̌̉͊̽̈́͜ ̷̝̬͇̬͖͑̍͜ḅ̵̛̥͙̬̠̣̤̬̙̎͒̓́̌̋̀e̶̢̬͕̠̱̟̗̙̗̪̜͑̃͊̅̽̋̕͠ ̵̡̖̠̦͚̦̠͈͍̩̒́̓̂̔̚͘͝͠m̸̡̧̺͚͙̝͖̤̠̰͔̆̊̇͐̍͂ͅe̴̢̙̯̱̪̯͂͠.̶̹͖̺̥̾̑͗̓̔͝ ̶̢̙̪͍͙̤̘̠̪̠̥̈̓̔́̽͛͘͘”