When you’re the richest man in the world, just about anything is possible. Hi, I’m Jeff Bezos and today I’m here to hold a grudge. One so voracious that I am going to hold it for as long as I can imagine. You see, over the years, I have slowly willed my way into the inner circles of many celebrities, artists, and generally talented individuals. While most of them resent me for my wealth, they can usually look past it once they get to know me and all of the things I can provide for them. Apparently, at the Oscars last evening, the celebrities being celebrated forgot who is in charge and the things that person can provide. For this, I will be swift and merciless in my revenge.

First and foremost, Steve Martin and Chris Rock, two men I innately respect to the upmost degree, had to bring attention to the fact that I was sitting there in the Oscar’s audience. I had specifically told the Academy that I was above this sort of publicity and everyone should assume I am everywhere at all times, so giving anyone my specific location should never happen. That was the first part of my horrific embarrassment.

Next, there was the winner for best original screenplay, Bong Joon-Ho. I could tell just from the way he was looking at me from that stage that he wanted to eat me alive. I didn’t see his movie, but it has been selling like crazy on our video platform so I am sure it is good. Maybe I’ll ask my alive girl to watch it with me sometime so I know what I missed. From what I can tell, the story might take some stabs at me, which I do not appreciate. But hey, art is art, right?

OK, now this same dude Bong Joon-Ho was up again for winning best international film and he was saying directly to me, “You are scum and I will wipe you away like a bug.” Who does this guy think he is?

Oh god, he just won again. I need to get out of here. I can’t breathe. I can see his eyes scanning the crowd for me. I know he is coming for me.

Parasite then went on to win best picture and I knew I was doomed. I had begun to make a list in my mind that night but I didn’t know why until he stared into my soul while his producers thanked everyone for the award. I knew that unless I destroyed him first, he would destroy me.

I must see Parasite. I must get it. I must use my powers to make sure this never happens again.