Ranking Billionaires by Their Fashion Sense (Or Lack Thereof)


Have you ever thought about how big the number a billion is? Let me write it out for you. 1,000,000,000,000. Now consider the fact that there are a few hundred people in the world with that amount of money, some even 100x as much. Just what could you do with all that money? Literally almost anything. It’s bananas that we have allowed this to happen. Anyway, like the rest of us, billionaires are incredibly insecure and always try their best to cast themselves in a positive light, both in the media and the minds of the public. One way they do this is with how they dress. So today, we’re going to be ranking them by their fashion sense to see what we can learn.


First up, you guess it, Mark Zuckerberg.

Image: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg makes his keynote speech during Facebook Inc's annual F8 developers conference in San Jose

Ranking: Bad, terrible, atrocious. Have you ever seen him wear anything other than this and version B with slightly shorter sleeves? I sure haven’t. While this might be a flex if anyone else did it, this just further cements my theory that Zuckerberg has transcended the material plane and has a very different way of experiencing time than us. More on that later. For now, it just means he wears the same clothes all the time and we let him.


Next up, everyone’s favorite Lex Luthor knock-off, Jeff Bezos.


Ranking: Upsetting, horrid, potentially offensive. Just, you have all the money in the world, just pay someone to know better. You know?


Who can follow that? Let’s try Abigail Johnson.


Ranking: Seen better, don’t hate it but don’t love it, science teacher vibes. I’ve got no beef with Abigail Johnson, but she is a billionaire, and some crimes can never be forgiven.


Uh oh, it’s the bad boy of SV, Jack Dorsey.


Ranking: Trying too hard, uglicious, disappointing. Where did he even buy those pants? I bet they cost more than a house and he only wore them once I’m sure. We should definitely take his money first. I mean, that guy? God.


Going for someone less mainstream, let’s see what Alice Walton is up to.


Ranking: Iconic but not in a good way, disturbing, nightmarish. Tonight when I fall asleep it will be Alice not Toni Collette who I see sitting in the corner of my ceiling. Part of me can’t wait to fall asleep.


And that does it for today. There are plenty more of them to rank, but that will come with time. For now, just reflected and appreciate the fact that you can look better than any of these fools with one trip to Goodwill. Trust me, it’s not that hard.


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