(Indianapolis, IN) Earlier today, doctors in white lab coats with stern expressions on their faces came together on the steps of Ascension St. Vincent Hospital here in Indianapolis to announce their report on a new and quickly spreading illness. According to the press conference, this illness has been hinted at for years and some patients have even been misdiagnosed with other related diseases that didn’t quite hit the mark. “The illness is known popularly among doctors and mental health professionals as ‘Reddit-Brain’ and we have already seen thousands of cases. If we don’t do something, this could become an epidemic.”
Commonly confused with other illnesses such as ‘South Park Syndrome’ and general toxic masculinity, ‘Reddit-Brain’ is new, contagious, and said to be sweeping the nation. According to the research done by teams at hospitals around the country, there’s no predetermined characteristics that might lead you to have Reddit-Brain, but straight white men are certainly the most common group affected thus far.
“It starts with something small,” one doctor explained to us at a follow-up Q & A session. “Someone will look up a fact about a movie or be looking for a specific meme and stumble across a Reddit thread. Then, before they know it, they’re defending Hitler to a random stranger on the bus. That’s the thing about this disease, it strikes fast and it strikes hard.”
Symptoms include playing devil’s advocate, bothsidesism, making jokes about being ‘triggered,’ ‘assuming my gender,’ or getting ‘me too-ed,’ and the runs. If you or someone you know shows any of these signs, let them know that it’s not too late for them to get help.
“The hardest part is admitting you have a problem,” another doctor told us. “Although this may seem like the person is making a choice to be this way, the truth is that their brain is rotting from the inside and without treatment, it can lead to self-sabotage, loneliness, and a downward spiral that leads to some place even worse. I don’t even want to utter the name of it, but for the sake of public safety, I feel as if I must. Ahem. 4chan. If they fall into that trap, they may never make it out.”
“We’re currently treating most of our patients by simply giving them a book to read or having them go for a walk in a park. You’d be amazed what simple things like this can do for your health,” the lead doctor told us. “Be sure to check up on your friends who you think might be showing signs of Reddit-Brain and assure them that it’s not too late to get help. Together, we can fight this.”