(Austin, TX) Don’t say that Democracy doesn’t work. Last night, primaries across 14 states told us much about our nation and who we believe in. While plenty of people had their hearts set on one candidate or the other, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that no one saw the Super Tuesday results coming. In a massive, landslide write-in campaign, Godzilla, King of the Monsters himself, has inexplicably emerged as the Democratic front runner. Like good journalists, we are now going to theorize about the future of the race for president and the county. However, if you are reading this a few weeks after the publishing date, those theories will of course be irrelevant. Let’s get into it.
The Godzilla campaign declared victory around 11:00 pm, despite most of the precincts still needing to report their results. It was that much of a victory. In his speech, Zilla let out some long screeches and deep growls, followed by some fire breath for punctuation. It was clear right away that the rest of the country would fall in line behind this born leader.
“It’s all about name recognition,” one CNN panelist explained. “I mean, who doesn’t know about Godzilla? He’s totally badass.” It should be said that the panelist was clearly wearing a Godzilla/Mothra 2020 shirt under his blazer, but honestly who can blame him.
Obviously, people from the Republican side are rushing to claim that Godzilla can’t be president because he wasn’t born in America. First of all, that seems offensive. But secondly, the Godzilla campaign has already put out a press release stating that because the nuclear weapon that created Godzilla was American made, that automatically makes him an American citizen. “That’s just science,” the campaign said.
“Listen, people are sick and tired of Donald Trump. That’s just the truth,” I overheard a man on the bus say this morning. “So to most of them, even with Godzilla’s documented history of violence, he’s still a better option than the current mess. I mean, that’s just politics.”
Regardless of who you voted for, its always surprising to see a vote-in candidate when. The amount of coordination was intense, yes, but exit polls indicate that most people just spontaneously thought to vote for Godzilla without even knowing he was running. “It just came to me,” one voter told us. “Seemed like the best chance to beat Trump now that Bloomberg is out.”
All I can say is that Super Tuesday could have been bad, but instead we got awesome. Now wake up or you’ll be late.