It was with a heavy heart this past Sunday that I read the news that former Mayor Pete Buttigieg had suspended his campaign for President of the United States. While he wasn’t my first, second, or even third choice, he did say a lot of words that sounded good, which is more than some can say. However, the main reason why I was saddened to see him leave the race was that I had already thought up 5 more ideas for articles about him that I no longer have use for. So, in the interest of continuing the dunk session on Pete one final time before he becomes a footnote in history, today we’re releasing the 5 articles we would have written if he hadn’t dropped out.
1. Mayor Pete replaced by a animated suit and tie, surges in polls.
Pretty basic premise for this one, with the thrilling conclusion that the animated suit and tie ends up winning the presidency and we all have to just figure out what that means for our democracy. In the end, not much changes.
2. Attempting to appeal to younger voters, Pete Buttigieg creates a Tik Tok account.
This isn’t so much satire as it would have been an inevitability of his campaign. I mean, it’s not ‘I’m just chillin’ in Cedar Rapids,’ but it would have been close.
3. Mayor Pete revealed to be hundreds of mice in a trench coat.
Nothing says ‘President’ like a finely tailored trench coat. Combine that with the fact that the trench coat would have been crawling with mice, rats, and other creatures of the night. Again, not a whole lot of change when it comes to our current administration, but people will vote for anything if you want them to.
4. Nothing says midwestern normie like an unexamined support for the military.
Even though he was one of the most prominent gay presidential candidates we have ever had, Pete was not able to win over many fellow gay folks due to his unexamined love and support for the military. You could almost see his face light up when he talked about his tours to Afghanistan. Personally, I’m just glad we didn’t find out he was a war criminal, because I am almost certain it would have increased his electability.
5. Chasten Buttigieg can’t wait to get to back to whatever it is that he does.
The real winner in this, of course, is Chasten Buttigieg, right? I’m not saying that if my partner started running for office I wouldn’t support them fully and completely, but I’m sure he misses his old life where everyone was calling his husband a rat and stuff. Sure, I was one of those people myself, but I just get the feeling Chasten is looking forward to a time where he’s the only one who has to pretend Pete can speak seven languages.
Cool, think that was enough to get this out of my system. Now go vote for someone whose last name doesn’t start with a B.