“Yeah I never leave the house,” the area man told us. “I just think that I’m unlucky in a lot of ways and even though only few people in my state have it, I’m not going to take any risks.” Meet Jordan Moseby, one anxious dude we found wandering around the supermarket. The reason we spotted him was that he was covered head to toe in a hazmat suit buying soup in bulk. Apparently, even with his limited exposure to others and introverted tendencies, Jordan is absolutely convinced that he has not only caught the Coronavirus, but he is a danger to others.

“I just feel responsible for every thing I touch and every person I interact with. Even with the hazmat suit, I can’t help but feel I am putting everyone in danger. Oh, can you hand me that chicken noodle?” we passed him the can and asked a follow-up question. “No, no one I know has been to Italy or anything and I don’t even feel sick, but they say you don’t know you have it until you’ve had it for a few days.”

Jordan isn’t the only person coming down with self-diagnosed coronavirus. We have seen reports all across the world of people with sore throats and other flu-like symptoms, but when they went in for examinations, they were discovered to just have the generic flu. We asked a doctor, or at least someone dressed in a white coat, what they thought about this and they told us that this was common during global pandemics.

“With the news constantly pumping panic down your throat, phantom illnesses happen all the time. This is not to say that you shouldn’t take precautions and seek medical attention should you need it, but I had multiple patients come in this week thinking they had COVID-19, only for us to discover that they had simply swallow a Skittle wrong.” The person in the lab coat seemed exacerbated, throwing their hands in the air. “Multiple times!”

And yet, Jordan still refuses to deviate from his routine. “Even if I only see a handful of people each week, I still need some sort of human interaction to survive. Of course, I self quarantine in my suit, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t make a mean quesadilla.”

It’s true. We stayed and had one and it was delicious. Plus, considering that Jordan isn’t even sick, what could go wrong?