For years and years and years and years people have been telling us that the end of the world is coming. And I’ll admit, from time to time, I do think that the world is about to end and everyone I’ve ever loved will be slurped up by a great, hulking maw. But do I actually believe I will see an apocalypse scenario in my life time? Not really. I mean, anything is possible, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. No, today I want to introduce you to a concept that might save your life, apocalypse or not. You see, in your time on earth you have a limited window to befriend an eldritch horror and that window is closing rapidly.
Quick definition: Eldritch – weird and sinister or ghostly.
Now, since time is not on our side, I’m going to give you a brief description of a few, let’s say 5, eldritch horrors that you have a chance of becoming friends with before your inevitable demise. Actually, they might end up being your inevitable demise, but try not to think about that too much when you are trying to become their pal. As soon as you are done reading this list, go immediately to try and finish your quest.
1. Kullierx the Great Eyed Beast. You think you’ve seen eye beasts? You don’t know what’s coming, my friend. Kullierx is a behemoth in the most terrifying sense of the word. His ten thousand eyes are so numerous, they cover 85% of his surface area. The rest of him is a soggy green coat the color of bile. He is a forgotten one, he is a monstrosity, and he will be your friend if you bring him a peppermint chocolate.
2. Jrak the Unholy. While Kullierx is more of a traditional eldritch horror, Jrak is anything but traditional. Standing a mere 12 feet tall, Jrak is one of the smaller horrors we know of. Nonetheless, she makes up for her height with ferocity. It has been said that she once devoured an entire cathedral over the course of a week, bishop and all. She’s mean, she’s hated by God, and she loves baking, so try starting the conversation with something about that.
3. Aaaaariq. Taking a tip from the book of an old racist, I’ll just say that Aaaaariq is indescribable. That said, they do love a good hug, so don’t be afraid to go near their many claws and talons.
4. Zurramong the Betrayer. Seen in the above picture, Zurramong is one of the oldest eldritch horrors on record, but also one of the most approachable. Known to his peers as simply ‘The Betrayer,’ Zurramong is known to stop at nothing to gain power, even betraying his fellow monsters of the unknown. He’s approachable only due to his bottomless vanity, so be prepared to fill him with praise for the rest of your days if this is your choice.
5. Bloomjulie the Fair. Finally, the belle of the ball, Bloomjulie the Fair. Shaped more or less like an exotic flower, Bloomjulie is both a horror and a beauty at the same time. You can’t help but stare at her, out of fear and affection. Sure, eldritch horrors are weird and sinister or ghostly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be strikingly handsome at the same time. Give her a rose and she’ll let you in, just don’t get too comfortable.
What are you waiting for? Go find your new friend! If the world does end, they will be your only hope.