Congress Moves to Nationalize Streaming Platforms in Bizarre Bipartisan Bill


(Washington, D.C.) In these trying times, it can feel as if the government doesn’t care about you or value your safety. While this isn’t necessarily wrong, there is some interesting news coming out of the Capitol that might change the way you feel about them a least a little bit. According to insider reports i.e. an intern with Twitter, there is a new bill moving through congress with bipartisan support that experts find truly bizarre. Apparently, hoping to sustain the economy through the pandemic, national leaders are attempting to nationalize streaming platforms. As one congressperson stated plainly, “Why not? We’ve got the money.”


Here are some quotes from different lawmakers as they push for this odd initiative, which early reports indicate will fly straight through to the President’s desk.


Rob Bishop, 1st District of Utah. “I don’t really understand the internet, I’ll be honest. But I got an amendment put in this bill that will make dying illegal for people like me, so whatever. I’ll vote for it.” 


Ro Khanna, 17th District of California. “I love Netflix and the Great British Bake Off especially, so I’m looking forward to providing this service to all Americans regardless of class, race, or social status. We are all in this together and we all deserve to stare at screens rather than the walls of our home while stuck inside all day. Yesterday I found a tooth in my flower pot. I hope that giving the streaming platforms to the people will prevent more ludicrous things like that from happening.” 


Tammy Baldwin, 2nd District of Wisconsin. “People are acting like being stuck at home is something new. In Wisconsin, that’s just winter. But seriously, I need my shows. How else am I going to appease the roach army growing beneath my house?”


Ralph Abraham, 5th District of Louisiana. “Me and my constituents agree that we have gotten to a point where if there isn’t something on TV by 8pm, we’re having a bad day. No, just me? Well I deserve this and so do you, so we’re doing it. Just don’t think about it too much.”


Marsha Blackburn, 7th District of Tennessee. “Heeeeeeeeerrrrreee’s Marsha!” 


Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 14th District of New York. “Did no one else read this bill? Jesus Christ.”


So who knows what will happen? Well, we do, but we don’t want to spoil it. That’s actually one of the amendments to the bill. Spoilers will soon be illegal. Some say this is a violation of the first amendment, but aren’t we pretty far past that already?


Hmm, maybe this isn’t such a good idea?


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