Pictured here sliding down an escalator, one of his favorite activities, is Ted Cruz, US Senator and recipient of the ‘Most likely to be the Zodiac Killer’ award twenty years running. Over the last few weeks, Senator Cruz has made headlines by playing up the fact that he recently came into contact with a person infected with the dangerous COVID-19 virus. The Senator even went as far as to self-isolate himself in his home away from his family. But now, as the time has come for Cruz to remove himself from self-isolation and again emerge into the world, he is nowhere to be found. Leading us to ask the pertinent question – where in the world is Ted Cruz?

Conspiracy theories are already spreading online about where exactly everyone’s least favorite Texas Senator has disappeared and run off to. Mainly by us, but that’s beside the point. The most popular reports indicate that Cruz is living in a bunker in the hills outside of Austin, but we think that something far more interesting is happening.

Bear with us for a minute, it will all make sense in the end. You see, in his last public appearance, Ted Cruz made the following statement. “I am sorry to say goodbye to you all for the time being, but there is something I must do. There is a quest I am going on, a quest I must go on alone. I won’t see you all for some time, but trust me when I tell you that my mission is of the utmost importance, both to me and to you. Think of me while I’m gone, oh, please think of me.”

CNN commentators called it ‘weird for a press conference’ and Fox said Cruz ‘sounded like a liberal.’ But no one really knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, since he immediately began to isolate himself afterwards, no one has been able to reach him for comment. Apparently he thought that he had to isolate himself from his phone too.

Or at least that’s the story they want you to know. We have received insider information that Ted Cruz has actually been lost on a quest deep into the tunnels and mines of the Mole King who lives beneath the fair state of Texas. No one has heard from him in years, with many claiming that his existence was always just a myth, but we know better. We know that the Mole King has never lost power and only certain humans can keep him at bay.

While you may or may not be a fan of Ted Cruz, he is doing an essential service for us by keeping that horrid rodent monarch in the depths of our world where he belongs. We made a decision to live on the surface and they made a decision to live in the tunnels and sewers. They should stay down there and we should stay up here.

And if they want to keep Ted Cruz as a bargaining tool, so be it.