Recently while scrolling through Netflix and missing the outside world, I let nostalgia take hold of me and I decided to watch the Indian Jones film Raiders of the Last Ark. It had been awhile since I had seen it, and while it wasn’t the same movie my 11-year-old self remembered, it is still a fun adventure film. However, it wasn’t until I start doing some research in the trivia section of IMDB that I discovered this film is a retelling of a long-forgotten story. After more digging, I discovered the legend that the ark stood in for and knew that this was a story more people needed to know.

So, without further ado, we humbly present The Legend of the Forbidden Jelly Cubes. 

It all started before history was written, when the world was still raw and full of possibilities. I say raw because at this point in history flesh was the main material of the world, with plants and trees and other types of material coming later. But amongst all of that flesh, a new type of texture was forming. A texture that would go on to change the world.

Although it was a long time until this texture would emerge, stories of it’s coming were spread far and wide. The Tower of Babel, the stoning of Palamedes, the writing on the walls of the Cave of El Castillo, and of course, the lost ark. All of these stories used to hide the dangerous truth. All of these tales used to contain the story that could not be told.

It wasn’t until some 200 years ago that the truth of the matter was first exposed. A lone wanderer in the Sahara desert came across what she described in his native tongue as a ‘gelatinous beast.’ According to her story, the beast reflected her deepest fears and greatest joys back at her. Upon returning to her home, she found that she couldn’t eat or sleep, she could only think of that beast reflecting back at her.

Given the nature of this story and lack of description of this beast, word quickly went out that what she had seen was simply a mirage or some other trick of the light. After all, she had no witnesses or corroborators of her account. However, that doesn’t mean her story wasn’t taken seriously.

You see, a group of Americans happened to hear this story in their travels and decided to see for themselves what was going on. Here the details are fuzzy, but what from what we can surmise, not only did the find the beast in question, but they were somehow able to transport it back to America, keeping the entire thing hidden from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, they didn’t survive long enough to tell their story. According to a journal entry recently recovered, the guilt at what they had done (or some other malevolent force) lead to their early demise.

How do we know all of this? Well, the journal went on to say that the Americans had presented the gelatinous horror to the then President, James Monroe. And, as far as we can tell, the beast never left the possession of the President, meaning that it can still be found in the White House today. God knows what it’s being used for, but we’re guessing not anything good. It’s up to us to find out.

So you know what that means. It’s time for Raiders of the Lost Ark 2: Electric Boogaloo. We’re gonna steal the forbidden jelly cubes from the freakin’ White House, baby!