Monster Haunting the Woods Outside of Town Considered an Essential Worker


(The Woods Outside of Town, USA) In the last few weeks, we have all come to realize who in our society truly holds us together and keeps us safe through daily life and trying times. We have thanked our service workers, our healthcare workers, our teachers, and our delivery drivers for their essential work in keeping us all fed, safe, and healthy. However, there is one group of people who we consider essential that has been forgotten in these Time articles and sea of clapping strangers that deserves our praise as well. We are of course talking about the monsters living outside of town doing essential work every single day.


Let’s meet some of the folks behind the masks to hear their stories in this time of uncertainty and calamity. May we each learn from their dedication.


Slenderman – Chicago, IL. It’s true, we’re getting lonely out here. But someone has to keep the rumor mills spinning and that’s why we’re considered essential. But now, there’s curfews in place and with social distancing, no one wants to investigate the looming figure staring at them from the forest. Even if they are curious, they are more afraid of the virus than me. What’s that about?


The Lurker – Waco, TX. With school no longer in session and shelter-in-places happening, what reason will children have to go exploring? Explorers are the main part of my diet, so where am I supposed to find stuff to eat? Sure, the occasional pair of stoners will find their way out here, but that’s not enough to live on. I need kids, OK? If I’m an essential worker, give me some work to do you, you know?


Babadook – Hollywood, CA. No one is answering their doors any more, it’s driving me crazy! How’s a monster supposed to live like this? I mean sure, I’m spoiled by all the attention I get out here, but I still have to do monster stuff on weekdays.


Jimmy Bones – Little Rock, AR. For a cave-dweller like me, this whole thing hasn’t been too terrible. I’ve learned to live off of hikers and vagabonds that find their way out here to the state park. Sometimes I venture out for a snack, but for the most part I just stay here and get caught up on my reading. But I’m lucky, I’m blessed. Most monsters aren’t like me and this kind of shutdown affects them severely. I’m telling you, from them, that we are going to start needing blood sacrifices or we’re going to start coming into town. I know the accord says that we would stay outside, but these are unusual times.


The Horned One – Columbus, OH. I’m actually worried that people here don’t know what’s going on out there, because I have had a full plate for days. Like, do people in Columbus just have no idea what social distancing in? I’m grateful for the work considering I don’t have a choice but to be out here, but why the hell are they? Stay home, Columbus. Just, send out a few dudes you want to get rid of every now and again.


So yeah, remember them when you write your think-pieces and your Superbowl sponsored by Zoom ads. That’s all. Thanks.


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