Do you ever get the feeling that your life would be improved by leaving your material possessions behind and going to live in the deep woods to experiencing life the way you believe you were intended to? Good, this article is specifically for you. But it’s also for anyone who has ever woken up for a dream disappointed, so I think we all fit one of these two categories. Anyways, we’re not going to tell you how to leave your life behind, we assume you’ll take care of that. No, we are here to help you with something you likely won’t think of yourself. When you leave, you’re going to want to set up a good outgoing voicemail message, so here are 5 for you to choose from.

Number #1: You still call people on the phone? Couldn’t be me. 

Number #2: Hello friend, I’ve finally done, I’ve finally followed the call of the wild. But don’t worry! Unlike the film, I’ll avoid poisonous berries and make sure to avoid contaminated water. So don’t worry about me. In fact, don’t think about me any more, I’ve gone to a place beyond thoughts and soon even your deepest longings won’t be able to reach me. Remember, I wanted this. This is my dream. Do not follow me. 

Number #3: Hello? Hello? … Uh, hello? …Heh, classic. Anyways, I’ve gone away for the foreseeable future, so don’t bother leaving a message because I have literally no way of accessing it. Or, leave me a bunch of messages and someone finding this phone can treat it like a time capsule or something. Talk about a wet dream for an art student. 

Number #4: Oh, hi. How’s it going? Yeah, good good. I’m just transcending currently and your words are dying on the breeze. Leave behind some reassurance of your existence at the tone. 

Number #5: Sorry about everything, I mean that. I just couldn’t take it any more, I just couldn’t. I would rather go live in the great unknown and try to live my life according to simple principles than ever see you again after what you did. I know my reaction wasn’t warranted, I can own up to that. But we had equal weights to bear and we both failed. If you need me, I’m telling you now that that won’t be possible, so you’ll simply need to move on. 

And that about covers all of the bases. Now you have one more thing to check off your list before you go. Bon voyage!