Area Woman Enters Fifth Consecutive Week of Midwestern Goodbye


It was all so simple. Or so I thought. Hi, my name is Bethany Stevens. I am a dance instructor, I am a passionate Libra, I love gardening, and  I am currently entering my fifth consecutive week of being stuck in a midwestern goodbye. It was only supposed to be a casual brunch, it wasn’t supposed to lead to this. If you aren’t aware what I am talking about, let me fill you in. A midwestern goodbye is where you say goodbye once and then continue to say goodbye while in actuality you just extend the visit for another 2 hours while slowly walking out the door. Sounds cute, right? Well, this is my fifth week of this. It’s anything but cute.


It was so simple. Or at least it started that way. From the beginning we had an advantage and yet we still couldn’t overcome the power of the goodbye. We made it all the way to the front entry-way before the first question was hurled, the one that put a stopper in our plans for post-brunch thrifting. “Hey, have y’all watched this show Devs?”


Such a simple question. Such a small thing. And now, not only have we talked extensively about Devs, but I’ve been here talking about it for so long I missed the finale. And don’t think I haven’t tried to get out of this, there have been multiple escape attempts.


After the first hour, I made it a few more feet, but that was when our progress was further halted and even later reversed. Just as I was literally turning the knob to get out, we were brought back into the house to see our hosts baseball collection. We didn’t make it out of that room for a week and by then I had lost my job, my patience, and my appetite for conversation.


But that didn’t stop my boyfriend from continuing to answer our host’s questions. Or from accepting their invite for muffins, even though I was grateful to have some sort of sustenance after such a long time standing there. Only, the muffins just delayed us another week and by that point, time truly had lost its meaning.


I haven’t eaten in days. I haven’t gone to the bathroom once. I don’t know how this has been able to continue for so long, but I am really, truly begging you to help me escape. I’m not sure how we will do it, but all I know is that we must.


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