(Austin, TX) “Starting at 12:01 AM on May 9th, the entire state of Texas will enter a 24 hour purge. For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it means that for the entirety of March 9th, all laws will be lifted and any and all crimes, including murder, will be legal. The Lt. Governor and I have come to this decision after much forethought and we believe that this is our best chance of fighting the virus that has brought our great state to it’s knees. Thank you.” And with that, the press conference was ended and no follow-up questions allowed. Here’s what we have gathered from other sources.

The moments after this announcement were pure chaos, with journalists and photographers running amok, trying to get anyone to state their opinion on the matter. However, within seconds, Governor Abbott and his top men had disappeared in a puff of dark mist. We had to flag down a state senator on our way out to get any sort of response from the administration before they go on TV directly.

According to the state senator, it is perfectly legal in Texas to suspend all laws for whatever reason a governor deems necessary. “This dates back to the days of cowboys,” the statesman who wishes to remain anonymous claims. “A governor would often suspend laws in order for justice to be carried out upon those who went against the sanctity of cowboy culture. The laws haven’t been updated since, so yes, this is all technically legal.”

Wendy Davis, taking opposition to the governors order, had this to say. “Cowboy days are over and our governor should understand that. How are we going to fight a disease like COVID-19 without laws to protect us? How can we maintain order if people are more concerned with carrying out past vengeances than they are with spreading the virus? The only comfort I can take is that most people’s purge outfits incorporate a mask, but still.”

Responding to these claims on Fox News, Lt. Governor Dan Patrick had this to say. “Texas, more than any other state in the union, knows the importance of freedom. In order for that time-honored tradition to continue, we need to allow our citizens to express their freedom however they see fit. By suspending all laws, Texans across our great state will be able to express themselves without limits. That is Texas. That is America. To say otherwise is equivalent to treason. And who knows? Maybe someone will shoot the virus with a gun or something.”

The important thing to remember here is that the purge excludes high level government officials, so none of these people face any real risk. Just you. You take on all the risk. You and all of your constituents. Do you trust them to think in your best interest?

Yeah, me neither. Especially with leaders like ours.