Imagine voting. Got it in your head? Now push out all of the things you’ve been focusing on lately, just get them right out, and aim your mind directly on that feeling of standing in line about to participate in your democracy (lol). You finally arrive at the actual voting booth and on page three, you find yourself looking at a position called a ‘comptroller’ with multiple names listed for both parties. You immediately black out and find yourself awaking again to two very nice but concerned looking poll workers. You leave without casting a ballot and find yourself wandering to your car with only one thought running through your head: what the hell is a comptroller?

Don’t worry, we are here to quell your fears. There is no such thing as a comptroller and there never has been. The idea of comptrollers is a massive shared delusion that has been forced down our throats since we were children. Every time you vote for one, you are furthering the delusion and prolonging this entire thing. We need to shake off this psychosis and move forward. We need to break free and escape.

Let me break it down for you. Per usual, the United States government is to blame for everything. Apparently, back in the early days of this country, a bunch of dudes decided that there should always be an illusion of freedom and choice in case the real freedom and ability to choose would at some point disappear, better to have a backup. And thus the comptroller was born.

The first comptroller, Billiam Bones, was simply a joke that one of those ancient schmucks was playing on another. I mean the man was real, but nominating him for comptroller was a joke. Billiam got to his first day at the office and found himself sitting on a hay bale with nothing to do, the laughing stock of the barn. Ever since then, comptrollers have kept up the tradition of lying to the American people and they have been so successful at it, we have multiple trollers in every state in the country.

So next time you are sitting at the voting booth, feeling like nothing will ever change, remember that it has always been this bad. We have all been living in a shared delusion called the United States of America for far too long and we need to snap out of it. We need to build a new reality for ourselves.

Or, you know, maybe I could just run for comptroller. Seems like a pretty sweet gig.