For the last 30 years, the world has been arguably a better place than it was before due in part to one person and one book series. I am of course referring to R. L. Stine and his wonderful Goosebumps books and follow-up 90s TV series, which really took things to a whole new level. If you haven’t been exposed to the genius of Goosebumps, don’t worry, we have you covered. As someone who has been in this world for awhile, I have learned a few valuable lessons about life from Goosebumps that I think are worth sharing. So come along on a journey into the spooky and the weird.
Lesson #1: If you find a mask, especially in a spooky basement or attic, put it on as soon as you possibly can. Sure, you might get stuck in it indefinitely, but what a story you can tell! Plus, masks are in right now.
Lesson #2: Never trust a piano teacher. Unequivocally, piano teachers are up to something. You should only trust them as far as you can throw them.
Lesson #3: A haunted camera is a good opportunity to make a quick buck. Sure, your face may look like this, but it still makes for a cool picture that you could maybe sell online or something. I don’t know, do with what you want, just don’t waste an opportunity when it falls in your lap.
Lesson #4: When someone is bullying you, relax because they are probably just an alien. Like in the classic Calling All Creeps episode, bullies are likely just aliens with ulterior motives, so next time the bully comes at ya, just grab their face from the bottom because it will definitely just slough off and reveal their true form.
Lesson #5: Leave worms alone. Another classic, Go Eat Worms! you definitely don’t want to have worms haunting you like Todd. Trust me. Have you heard from Todd lately? I didn’t think so.
Lesson #6: On the rare occasion you visit your weird aunt’s house, don’t try the monster blood. It will be tempting and she will tell you that all your dreams will come true, but trust us, it’s not worth it.
Lesson #7: The Shocker Studio’s tour ride isn’t worth it, even with the free ticket. Simply put, there is no way you are getting out of that studio.
Lesson #8: Old typewriters may seem like a cool thing to buy at a flea market or a thrift store, but they are most likely surrounded by an evil magic. For this one, you just have to read The Blob That Ate Everyone.
As long as you learn from these life lessons and don’t screw it up, we won’t have to have R. L. Stine come to your house and read you the books himself. And trust us, he’ll do it.
[…] first attributed piece ‘Sheeple for Sale’ to the same week that R. L. Stine was on a Goosebumps book tour in London. The more we looked, the more seemingly random instances like this we […]