Opinion: Oh, to be Misted Like a Head of Lettuce in the Produce Section

It’s Summer! You know what that means, right? Well, if you live in Texas or another southern climate like me, it means you are going to sweat. Constantly. From the moment you wake up in the morning until you fall asleep at night, salty liquid is going to pour out of you little by little as you slowly replenish it throughout the day. Sure, A/C helps and occasionally you get to swim, but for the other 85% of the time you are going to sweat. Which brings me to my main point today – which is that I want to be misted like a head of lettuce in the produce section.

Have you ever stood in the produce section for too long? Have you ever let the wash off the cleaning water pour over you and just accept that this is what pure bliss feels like?

Sure, there’s a pandemic and everything, but no one is going to stop you from sitting there for a few extra seconds to pretend you are on splash mountain. I tried it out last week just to be sure, mask on and everything. All I got was some weird looks from the HEB staff.

But why do we as humans love a mist? I mean, we are close to 70% water ourselves, but is that enough to link us to something so small? I think so. I think being misted like a head of lettuce in the produce section might be the most human thing we can do.

So what does that make lettuce? Are we more linked to produce than we might think? I can’t go down this thought-path again, I’ll never recover. I’ll spin out forever. Plus, I’m damn allergic to damn fruits.

I just hope that everyone can find something that makes them as happy as being misted like lettuce at the produce aisle makes me. My past two wives have left me just because I have spent so much money on hose appliances to get different levels of mist flavor and architecture. My pores need it, they beg! I can’t stay away from the mist.

Should this be a curse, I don’t want the knowledge of it. I would rather live with this as my ‘thing’ in life, no matter how bizarre. It makes me happy so I do it. If something makes you happy in this life, you should chase it too.


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