This is going to sound paranoid, but hear me out before you pass judgement. There is an international conspiracy to get the Beach Boys’ 1988 hit ‘Kokomo’ stuck in my head. That’s right, from the time I was a wee lad until today, forces beyond my control have been working tirelessly to force this song into my head like some sort of yacht rock mafia. Listen, I understand how ridiculous this sounds, but I have the evidence to back it up and the determination to see it through, hopefully to expose the would-be conspirators. So, again, I ask that before you cast judgement, listen to my story. That’s the least you could do.


Like I said, this all began back when I was only 8 years old. It was 10 years since the song had been released and although it was still getting air time, the song had become something of a parody of itself and even was a point of contention within the band. However, for lil ol’ me, I was first exposed to the song when I would wake up in my room to the sound of it playing ever-so-softly.


I would then search and search around my room, trying to find the source of the din, only to realize it was coming from the house intercom system with my older brother on the other end. He would do this sporadically from time to time as a prank on me, ending when I finally realized what he was doing. Obviously, a brother pulling a prank is not the basis for an international conspiracy, but this was only the beginning.


A few years later when I was 16, I went on a trip with some friends to the next state over. We were driving through a long, lonely stretch of the road and the only thing we had for company was the radio stations humming in and out as we rode on. At one point in our drive, the clouds ahead of us began to descend rapidly and believe it or not, as the fog began to envelope us, the only song we could find on the radio was Kokomo. Every single station.


My friends brushed it off as nothing but a fluke, but I knew there was more to it. I saw the men standing in the fog. I saw what they were trying to hide from me.


And so this trend of being followed by Kokomo has continued. In college, my friend would hum it during class. I turn on the TV and my favorite sitcom has an entire episode about not getting credit for writing Kokomo itself. Even Netflix, once a safe space, ran an ad for Space Force the other day with Steve Carrell singing Kokomo to himself.


Why is this happening? What is happening? This can’t just be me, right?


If you have any tips about this or think that someone is trying to get this song stuck in your head, please contact me. Before it is too late.