BREAKING: Banksy’s True Identity Revealed

(London, UK) This just in: After over three decades of anonymity, the true identity of the artist known as ‘Banksy’ has finally been revealed. Of course, this wasn’t done through independent journalism or police investigation, but from the artist himself who finally announced his identity on Instagram earlier this morning. Here is an excerpt from his post: “After years of rumors, secret meetings, and wearing a lot of black, I feel the time has finally come for me to step out into the light and reveal the man behind the curtain. So hear me loud and clear – My name is R. L. Stine and yes, it’s true, I am Banksy.”


Who saw that coming? We certainly didn’t. And neither did the majority of the world, according to the responses we have seen so far. While we weren’t able to reach Stine for comment, we have been able to find a few links throughout his career that point to how he was able to keep this illusion going for such a long time.


For instance, after some digging, we were able to pinpoint Banksy’s first attributed piece ‘Sheeple for Sale’ to the same week that R. L. Stine was on a Goosebumps book tour in London. The more we looked, the more seemingly random instances like this we discovered.


But you might be asking, ‘Why? Why would a best-selling children’s author get into the anti-society graffiti game?’ Which is of course a great question, but not one we can truly answer without knowing Stine’s mind (an impossibility). However, we can speak with experts and do our best to guess at his actions.


Personally, if I was the head of the Goosebumps empire, I would simply coast off that money until the end of time. That said, I am not an artist in the way Stine is. I could never live a life so full of mystery and suspense, with your identity constantly on the edge of being revealed.


And yet, according to another famous author who wished to remain nameless, that’s part of the appeal. “After so many pressers and public appearances, the ability to walk through a crowd without being recognized becomes the most sought after part of your life. Following my most recent book release, I had to wear a Guy Fawkes mask everywhere I went just to feel something again.”


So what comes next for the 76 year old bad boy and author? According to his Instagram post, not much is going to change. “I’ve been doing this for so long, I don’t think I can ever stop. I will continue writing my novels, going on tours, and graffiti-ing when I feel like it. If someone at Sotheby’s wants to buy my doodles for a cool mil, that’s their problem. I could use a third house to store all of my Bumps merch.”


Well, there you have it. We wish him the best and only hope that when the time comes when we need him most, he will simple stare down at us and say ‘Reader Beware.’

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