(Seattle, WA) In the last week, two of the world’s largest companies have announced that they will no longer be aiding police departments with facial recognition software in the wake of George Floyd protests. While some are calling this a calculated PR move, others are giving props to these large companies for allowing technological process to take a back seat to a true political movement. Unfortunately, both of these ideas are wrong and we have the real reason why they have announced this so-called ‘ban.’ Get this – they don’t know how to track people wearing masks.


We first saw this happening with the juggalos, but we are all juggalos now I suppose. Yes, it’s true, since the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic, facial recognition softwares have started going haywire trying to pick up people’s identities. Apparently, most of your key features are in the mouthal region.


Due to this, internal documents show that Amazon, Microsoft, and Google have all been struggling to keep up with deadlines. With stocks plunging, higher-ups were freaking out and needing a solution, the Marketing Departments stepped in to save the day.


“What if we co-opted the revolution?” suggested Steve, the head of marketing. A little on the nose eh, Steve? “What if we say that we aren’t helping the cops any more as an act of solidarity. I mean, it would buy us some time to figure this out and maybe we figure out a way to move past this virus, otherwise our software is in trouble.”


“Yeah, I like this idea. What’s your name again, Stieg? Let’s run this up a flagpole or whatever and see how it goes. Anyways, can someone sell me some blow?” With that, the CFO left the board room and further decisions were reached to use the revolution as a way to please shareholders.


Now, this was how it went at Amazon and Microsoft, but notice we haven’t mentioned Google yet. Want to know why? Because they no longer care. They don’t have to. They have joined the likes of Apple, where they no longer necessarily need to make money to survive for the rest of time.


What are we supposed to do with these companies that live in the clouds away from the rest of us? I’m seriously asking. Please tell me so I can dedicate my life to stripping them of their power and their complete disregard for the rest of the world.


K thanks by.