Trump Announces Plan to Place Golden Tickets in 5 Randomly Selected Republican Ballots

(Washington, D.C.) For the last 4 years, Americans have believed, whether they want to or not, that another 4 years of Trump was inevitable. However, as November draws closer and both candidates look ahead, the future is as unclear as it always has been, especially now with George Floyd protests and the ongoing global pandemic. With Joe Biden continuing to gain ground, the Trump campaign has begun to lash out at more perceived enemies while simultaneously reinforcing their own base. The latest attempt to secure votes include a class scheme à la Roald Dahl.


“There will be huge and beautiful Trump branded golden tickets in 5 Republican ballots randomly sent around the country,” the president announced at a campaign rally at the head of the Trail of Tears. “Huge and beautiful and made from American paper. It’s going to be fantastic. Whoever votes Republican will be entered to win, but only 5 people will receive a golden ticket and be allowed to come visit me at the White House.”


You read it here first folks (we assume), President Trump will be giving away 5 golden tickets to visit him at the White House if he wins in the fall. Now, while experts are already calling this a ‘desperate play’ for votes and a ‘sign that things aren’t going well for Trump,’ experts often overestimate the American public. In fact, it has already been reported that some Trump fanatics have tried to register to vote in multiple states, hoping to have the best possible chance of meeting the president.


What hasn’t been brought up is that moving forward this will be the only way to visit the White House. The press and the general public will have no choice but to try and win a golden ticket if they want to visit the White House ever again, even for briefings. Otherwise, they will simply be tear-gassed and escorted off the premises, as is procedure.


Joe Biden has already reportedly made a statement about this new underhanded strategy from Trump, but no one remembered to turn the camera on, so no one knows what he actually said. His team is telling us to expert more soon, but we will likely have already moved on to the next thing by the time it is released.


While it is still too early to tell what will happen, remember to remain vigilant over the next few months leading up to the election as each candidate becomes more and more desperate for our votes. Remember that they need us way more than we need them. Don’t settle for less, make them earn it.

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