You wake up and the first thing you are aware of is the cold kitchen tile that you find your face smushed up against. As you slowly rise, you begin to take inventory of what is around you: a table, a fridge, cabinets stuffed to the brim with cereal, and what appears to be a sign that reads ‘Life’s a Beach & Then You Die.’ As you look around the house, everything seems exactly how you would expect, as if from a magazine. Only, it’s not your style at all. It isn’t until you make your way outside that you realize that you are somewhere you always hoped you could avoid. It is within this moment, as you see the identical houses lining the street, that you realize you must escape.


Welcome to today’s quiz – Can You Escape the Endless Suburb? And when we say ‘quiz,’ we of course mean ‘life and death test of strength.’ Let’s get started!


Question 1: What is the first thing you do upon realizing where you are?
A. Run for it. Don’t even look back, just head down the middle of the street until the sidewalk ends.
B. Assess the strength of the sign you saw in the kitchen earlier and stow it in your pocket for later. Something about it speaks to you.
C. Ask a neighbor for help.
D. Search for secret floorboards in the porch.
E. Steal the nearby Hyundai Venue and check the glove box for a gun.


Question 2: Which of the nearby suburb-goers do you recruit for help?
A. Graceanne, the mailperson.
B. Jordan, the alchemist.
C. Luxnart, the kind.
D. Vivian, the gardener.
E. Barclay, The Forgotten One.


Question 3: How do you ask them to assist you?
A. “Here, when I give you the signal, light this and run.”
B. “Can you tell me how to get out of here? I seem to be lost and I’m not sure which way to go. Wait, why are you pulling out that Bowie knife?”
C. “No time for talk, do you own a moped?”
D. “Where are we?”
E. “If I find the right tub, can you baptize me?”


Question 4: With a plan and a helper, what is your next step?
A. Seize control of the local government and finally get rid of neighborhood housing associations.
B. Find the man who killed your father.
C. Discover the meaning behind the phrase you keep hearing, “Warm moons and cold tombs to you, good fellow.”
D. Run for it, this time with a friend.
E. Accept your fate and settle down with Barclay.


Question 5: Do you truly think you will make it out alive?
A. Yes, with confidence.
B. Yes, without confidence.
C. No, with confidence.
D. No, without confidence.
E. Secret 5th option.


Great job! You made it through the simulation. Now, when this happens for real, you’ll be ready.