Opinion: Stretch Limos are the Reason We’ll All Drown

Get ready for another opinion, baby, because we’ve been sitting on this one for awhile now and we’re coming in hot. Here’s the thesis – we are all going to drown because of stretch limousines. I know that doesn’t make sense right now, but trust me, given time to explain, we will get there. I mean, just look at that picture above and tell me that it is not the epitome of excessive wealth and a class divide. They are truly an absurdity that I cannot abide. So, in this quick opinion piece, I am going to convince you that they are an atrocity that never should have happened.


How are stretch limousines going to make us all drown? I’ll tell you. Those fun long cars that you use for special occasions like weddings and prom? They are the equivalent of dumping a ton of oil into the ocean in a leaky barrel. Or killing the last panda. Or eating a bald eagle for dinner.


And what’s the appeal? What are stretch limos doing that buses aren’t? Do we really need a special vehicle for transporting teens from one location to the next during a sweet 16 bash? Per usual, I am genuinely asking.


These are the choices, nay, the executions we will need to see through if we wish to live in a world free from violence, destruction, and extreme weather events. Applebees is going out the window, we’ve already killed Sears, it was only a matter of time before we came for limos. As the original Smart Cars proved, the smaller the car, the more efficient it is. Meaning we are way overdue to ban limos.


But it is not just limos, it’s everything. Everything needs to be rethought, from the 40 hour work week to the fact that I have no idea where my food comes from, but I probably should. It’s all connected. And unless we do something to slow things down or stop the connections, the pistons will keep on firing as the world becomes uninhabitable. We will watch as the sea rises to meet us and it will be too late to do anything.


Call me a doomsayer all you want, it doesn’t matter. It is going to happen. It is going to happen. Understand that, process that, and then get back to me. We have a lot of work to do.

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