Nation Celebrates Final 4th of July

The beginning of July is here and you know what that means, it’s time for Independence Day. Haw yee! Now, no matter how you feel about the country at present, there’s no bad reason for a free day off from work, right? Obviously, this year will be different due to Covid-19 and the general public’s opinion of the President, but there’s another reason why we recommend celebrating extra loud and proud this year. Apparently, according to our various oracles and prophets, this is going to be the final 4th of July. The particular reason is unclear, due to the different alternate universes that lie ahead, but this will undoubtedly be the last one to occur.


Here are our 5 favorite glimpses into the multiverse, each with their own different reason for why there will no longer be a 4th of July.


Universe B1827. Over the course of the next year in this universe, the United States is dissolved due to bankruptcy and massive, massive tax fraud. But you know what? The total happiness of the collective world population has gone up and even the people in the former US are doing alright, you know, in between runs to the Bullet Farm of course.


Universe H7801. In this possible future, aliens attack and it’s awesome and all that, but that’s not the main plot line. Apparently, Canada has been working on some kind of machine that explodes large portions of the world in attempt to find the super oil hidden within the Earth’s core. Unfortunately, instead of accomplishing that goal, they accidentally destroyed the United States.


Universe F1009. Just general Covid stuff. Classic. Ruins it, the whole damn country.


Universe X9966. This is a fun one. Somehow, in the next year, our entire calendar is going to change. Again, the visions are blurry, but apparently Kanye West and Elon Musk team up to make a new album called ‘Let’s Change the Clocks,’ in which they lay out their plan to update the calendar ‘for the modern age.’ It’s completely impossible to understand this new calendar, but it somehow becomes law due to riders added by the Republican Senate. Sounds about right, I bet it’s this one.


Universe Z4087. All our oracles can see is an expansive wheat field with two women walking through it. The field goes on and on as behind them a mushroom cloud rises. Seems pretty cool, I could be up for this one.


Honestly, those all sound better than this universe.

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